A Rainbow After the Storm
by Sunshine1220
Summary: We knew it would either make us or break us. When the unthinkable happens, will it bring us closer together or tear us apart? A story about losing what's held most dear and finding out just how strong you really are. A true to life, personal story about the loss and heartache of a stillbirth.
1. chapter 1

**A Rainbow After the Storm**

We knew it would either make us or break us. When the unthinkable happens, will it bring us closer together or tear us apart? A story about losing what's held most dear and finding out just how strong you really are. A true to life, personal story about the loss and heartache of a stillbirth.

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 **Disclaimer: The author does not own any publicly recognizable entities herein. No copyright infringement is intended.**

 _ ****Tissue warning** Please read summary. Consider it a standing warning for the entire story.**_

 _ ****Trigger warning** Please read summary. Also, part of this story takes place during a dark time in US history, the terrorist attacks on 9/11/01 and will be mentioned. Though it is not a story about the attacks, it is mentioned.**_

Pre-read by Fyrebyrd, and beta'd by SunflowerFran. A heartfelt thanks to you both. All remaining mistakes are mine. Eight pre-written chapters will post daily until complete.

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 **~ Sixteen years ago today, my daughter came silently into the world. She was surrounded by love all the days I carried her, and for every moment we got to spend with her after she arrived, until they took her away. This is a very personal retelling of events leading up to, through, and after her birth. Since this is such a personal story, and therapeutic in a way, I won't be responding to reviews for this story, though I would love to hear you thoughts. I hope you understand.**

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 **On what would have been her sweet sixteen, I reflect on the gifts she left behind.**

 **~For Abigail**

* * *

 _May you find comfort in knowing that love was all your baby ever knew._

 _~ taken from_ _the booklet,_ _When Hello Means Goodbye_

 _._

 _ **May 2001**_

"And you're sure you don't want to know?" the sonographer asked.

"We're sure. Just jot it down on that note card and seal the envelope, please," I said as I watched the black and white images move on the tiny screen.

"Yeah, this one decided to have the big reveal with the family around, since they won't be in the delivery room." Edward leaned over, kissing the side of my head.

"Judging by the measurements, the original due date of October seventh is right on track with your dates," she says with a smile.

"And everything looks good?" I ask nervously.

"Everything looks perfect."

.

 _ **June**_

"Oh, I'm so excited for you guys! I don't think I'd have the restraint not to look. How can you have had it sealed up in an envelope for almost a month?" Alice asks, excitement in her eyes. She and Jasper have decided to wait for kids. They have a _five-year_ _plan_ , and they've yet to celebrate their first anniversary.

"I don't know, Alice. We just wanted to share it with all of you. It was a huge deal when we had Jacob, not knowing if he was a boy or a girl, and I wanted that moment again, but I also wanted to be able to be prepared, too. I guess this was a compromise."

As I stand at the kitchen sink, looking out the window, Edward is outside with our son, two-year old Jacob, and Emmett and Rose's son, Benjamin, filling the kiddie pool with water. The smile on his face is nearly ear-to-ear as he occasionally sprays them with the hose.

"He's a great dad," Alice whispers into my ear.

"He really is." My hands drift down to the nudging in my belly, and I can't wait for this little one to get here, to help our family to grow.

"I still can't believe you're going to be a mom of two kids before your twenty-third birthday, Bella."

I spin around to face my sister. "Hey, I know what I was signing up for when I said I'd marry him. I knew he wanted kids right away. And we're doing okay. We own a house, he has a good job, and I get to stay home with them. It's the life we want."

Her hands rise in her defense. "I'm not saying anything bad about it, Sis. I'm just saying it's a lot for someone your age." Stepping closer, she puts her arms around me. "I know you're happy, and I know it's what you want. It's just a lot for me to wrap my head around, that's all. You weren't exactly mom material when we were teenagers. Remember your black phase? Black clothes, black nails; you even convinced Mom and Dad to let you paint your room black."

"It was only half black," I say with a laugh and a sigh. "And I know, it wasn't where I pictured myself either. But I couldn't be happier."

"Then that's all that matters."

"Bella," my dad calls, walking in through the sliding patio door. "Are those burgers ready to put on the grill?"

"Yeah, Dad."

"Good, you've got a lot of hungry people out there."

"Open it," my adorable mother-in-law squeals. Esme has been a nervous ball of energy all day, so excited to find out what we're having. She's insisting it's a girl. "Come on! I love all four of my boys, and my grandsons, but I want another granddaughter!" I glance at Chelsea, the lone granddaughter out of the dozen, and smile.

My gaze falls over the crowd of close friends and family, all gathered under the canopy tent we've put up in the backyard, all with happy, expectant faces.

Edward hands me the sealed envelope. "You wanna open it?"

"No, you open, and we'll look together."

"Okay," he says with a nod. Sliding his finger under the flap, he gently rips it, and pulls out the single lined index card.

 _It's a girl!_

"You tell, 'em baby," he whispers in my ear.

With a deep breath, tears in my eyes, and a smile I couldn't wipe off my face if I tried. "It's a girl!"

.

 _ **July**_

"Thank you so much, Dad. I still can't believe Great Grandma hung on to this all these years." Running my hands over the ornate carvings of the antique crib, I can feel the grit and grime left behind after so many years of storage.

"Well, yeah, she said she could never bring herself to get rid of it. It was her youngest's crib, and after she lost him, she held onto everything; even though it's been more than fifty years."

I had heard stories about Great Uncle David, Grandma Swan's brother, who had died as an infant; mostly murmurings over the years. My great grandma never spoke of it herself, but the family brought it up from time to time.

"I guess I just assumed that after you and Mom used it for Alice and me, it was given away or sold. Who knew it was in storage all this time." Wiping my hands on my shorts, I turn and head for the door. "Well, come on Gramps, unload it from the truck so I can clean it, and I'll tell you where to put it."

.

 _ **August**_

"Oh, Edward, look!" I said excitedly, holding the beautiful handmade quilt out for everyone to see. Rich tones of red, rose, and pink hearts stitched together in a beautiful pattern adorned the crib-sized blanket. "It's beautiful, Grandma!" I said as I struggled to my feet to give her a hug.

The entire family on both sides, many children included, were there to share this with us. When I had initially mentioned having a couples baby shower, Edward jumped at the idea; excited for the chance to be a part of this one. When I was pregnant with Jacob, Alice kind of hijacked the planning, and it was a traditional, ladies-only event. He sulked so much that day that I promised myself he'd be included in the celebrations of any future children we had.

When asked about his sullen mood that day, his response was, "It's my baby too."

I'd never loved him more.

.

 _ **September**_

"All right, hop up here, and you can help me measure your baby," my midwife, Kate says to Jacob.

"My baby," Jacob squeals excitedly as he climbs onto the stool she set up for him. He helps her pull the tape measure out and run it over my belly, giggling as he does.

"Well, it looks like your baby is measuring right on schedule. I'd say you're on track to deliver on time. Just about another month or so." Kate's warm, reassuring smile is a comfort. And Jacob, leaning over to kiss my belly, brings one of my own to my face.

.

 _ **Tuesday, September 11, 2001**_

 _"As Matt just mentioned, we have a breaking news story to tell you about. Apparently, a plane has just crashed into the World Trade Center here in New York City. It happened just a few moments ago, apparently. We have very little information available at this point in time."_

"Jacob, honey, please. Shh." Walking over I hand him a quieter toy, taking away the musical one he's been playing with all morning. "Mommy wants to hear this."

"Sowwy."

"It's okay baby." I walk back to the sofa, curling into the corner, watching the chaos unfold on the screen. The images are startling, black smoke pouring out of the sides of the building; unbelievable destruction.

The newscasters do their best to tell us what limited information they have, relying on eyewitness reports for the moment. Their startled gasps, along with the caller on air, accompany the image of another fireball erupting in the other building.

"Oh, my God," I whisper, my hand covering my mouth.

Watching the ensuing confusion and reports pouring in, I'm stunned, glued to my seat. Only the sound of knocking on my front door moves me from my spot. I get up, absentmindedly opening the door, my eyes never leaving the screen, knowing who's here for her weekly visit.

"Well, good morning. How's my girl and my favorite great-grandson?"

"Grandma, did you see this?" I ask, pointing to the television.

"I did. Oh," she says, startled. "The other tower was hit?"

"Yeah, just a little bit ago. Who would do this?" I ask with tears in my eyes.

"I don't know, sweetie. There are a lot of horrible people out there."

We both watch, Grandma less so as she plays with her 'Jakey.' For almost the next hour, we witness the scene play out on our screen. When the south tower falls, so does my heart; my thoughts with all those that just lost their lives before my eyes. Tears stream down my cheeks, and I want nothing more than to hold my son.

"Jacob? Come here, baby. Momma needs to hold you." Climbing into my lap, he snuggles close.

Later that night, after Jacob has been tucked in, and Edward is snoring softly, I can't rest; the anxiety of the day catching up with me. Quietly walking into the new baby's room, I sit in the chair and slowly rock back and forth.

Hearing about the third plane crashing somewhere in Pennsylvania caused a whole new level of anxiety, as that's where my mom and Phil are living right now. I had no idea where the crash was for a long time, and the phone lines were jammed; her cell unreachable. It was hours before I heard her voice, and by then, my stress had reached its limit.

Learning that the events of the day were deliberate acts brings me up short, staring down at the large lump beneath my shirt.

"I'm so sorry, baby girl. I'm so sorry for bringing you into this messed up world. If I had it to do over again..." The thoughts cross my mind, but I don't allow the words to pass my lips. If I had the chance to go back in time, maybe we wouldn't be having this baby. Maybe we would count our blessings and be happy with one. The future just feels so uncertain tonight, and I don't know if we're doing the right thing.

.

 _ **Monday, September 17, 2001**_

The footage seems to be on a loop everywhere you turn, including the screens here in the waiting room of Kate's office. Even late night television comedians have decided to take a break from the usual to allow the healing of our nation to begin. It's all everyone can talk about. My only concern is the pain I've been having the last twenty-four hours.

"You okay?" Edward asks, holding my hand.

"Yeah, I'm just uncomfortable. Something isn't right," I say, squirming in my seat.

"I'm sure it's nothing. Kate will take a listen and maybe get a look, and she'll tell us everything is okay. You'll see." With a reassuring kiss to my temple, he squeezes my hand.

"You hear that? Her heartbeat sounds perfect. I'd say it's a combination of Braxton Hicks and nerves. You delivered Jacob at thirty-seven weeks, which you'll reach in two days, so you're a little keyed up over getting to that point. Go home, relax, and let things happen naturally. If you're in labor, your body will let you know." She tries to reassure me, but I still feel in my gut things aren't right.

.

 _ **Friday, September 21, 2001**_

"Bella, honey, you need to relax. All this stress isn't good for the baby." Kate's words are calm, but I can tell she's trying to be patient with me.

"I just know there's something wrong, Kate. Something isn't right," I say, almost sounding panicked.

"Well, the Doppler isn't picking up anything out of the ordinary, she's moving frequently, and the non-stress test was normal. It's Friday, so go home, put your feet up, and relax. She'll be here soon, and then you'll have two of them to chase around, so your days to kick back are numbered," she says with a smile.

"Okay, I guess you're right."

"I am. Now go. And have that sexy husband of yours cook you dinner, rub your feet, and pamper you all weekend."

.

 _ **Monday, September 24, 2001**_

"Hey, what's wrong, Bella?" Edward asks over the phone.

"I'm gonna go back in and see Kate. The baby isn't moving like she should," I say just a little panicked. "I'm going to drop Jake off with Rose and head over to her office. Hopefully, I'll be back by lunchtime, and I can call you again. John was okay with you taking a break to call me back?"

"Yeah, honey, don't worry about that. Just call me when you find out what's going on. I wish I could go with you."

"No, it's okay. I just can't wait until you get home. Something isn't right, and I need to go now. I'll be okay," I say, trying to reassure myself more than him.

"Please, just... Just call the minute you know something, all right?"

"Yeah, all right."

"Love you, baby."

"I love you too, Edward."

Driving to drop Jake off at Rose's I feel like I'm on autopilot. Leaving him, I almost feel guilty, barely giving him a kiss before I run back out the door. On the drive to Kate's office, I start to question myself. I just know the moment I sit in the waiting room, I'll feel a nudge or a kick. Then I'll feel like an absolute fool for driving all this way. I've already bothered them so much lately with my unfounded worries. Passing a Taco Bell, I think of grabbing some food, or even the caffeinated soda I've denied myself my entire pregnancy, just to elicit a kick or two from my baby.

Signing in, I don't even have time to find a seat before Kate's nurse calls me back.

"So, when you called, you said that you had decreased movement?" she asks as she leads me into the exam room. I notice we've bypassed the usual scales, and went right to the room.

"Um, yeah." My hands start to sweat, and my heart starts to beat a little faster when I see the concerned look on her face.

"Well, I'm gonna have Kate come on in here, and we'll see what's going on, okay?"

"Okay."

Less than a minute passes when Kate comes in, a worried smile on her face. "So, you haven't felt any movement this morning?"

"No."

She busies herself with getting the Doppler ready. "So, when did you last feel anything?" She squirts the gel onto my belly and flicks on the machine.

"Um, last night," I say with a quiver in my voice.

"Okay," she whispers. I can see the furrow of her brow as she listens to the swooshes and beat of my heart, but not finding my daughter's. "All right, I'm going to drag the ultrasound machine in here, because this isn't finding anything. I'll be right back." She hurries out of the room, leaving me to my rising anxiety.

After the door closes, but doesn't latch, I hear her talking with her nurse. "I need Dr. Baker in here."

"What's wrong? Is the Doppler not working? Do you want me to-?"

"No, I can't find the heartbeat!" she says in a loud whisper. "Just get me Dr. Baker!"

My heart is pounding now, and I can feel my anxiety increase. _Maybe I just need some soda or something._ _Yeah, that's_ _it, I need to eat. I didn't have enough for breakfast._

Before I've had time to actually process my thoughts, Kate returns, Dr. Baker following right behind her. I've only met with him once before, several weeks ago in an _'in case you need medical intervention'_ meeting.

"Hello, Mrs. Cullen. So, Kate tells me you've felt reduced movement?"

"Yes," I choke out. My words are caught in my throat, my tongue feeling thick.

"Well, let's take a look, shall we?" Flicking the machine to life, he fumbles with the controls, appearing as if it's been a while since he's operated an ultrasound machine. When seconds turn into moments, and moments turn into minutes, the sigh that accompanies his sagging shoulders breaks my heart.

"I'm very sorry, but there's no heartbeat."

"Oh, Bella," Kate gasps as she wraps her arms around me.

I'm stunned silent, my world feeling as if it's crashing down around me. In those moments, hearing the doctor excuse himself, Kate still holding on to me as her nurse comes in to ask questions, surrounded by all these people, I've never felt so alone.


	2. Chapter 2

_There is a unique pain that comes from preparing a place in your heart for a child that never comes._

 _~David Platt_

* * *

"Take all the time you need, Bella. I'll be out at the nurse's station if you need me, okay?" Kate takes me back to her office to place a call I never thought I'd have to make. I don't even remember being led there, but I've somehow found myself behind her desk, staring out the window to the busy city below.

"Um, yeah, okay."

I'm kind of numb, the out-of-body sensation I've heard about seems to describe how I'm feeling. I know I need to call my husband, but my brain isn't firing on all cylinders at the moment. I pick up the phone and realize I have no way to contact Edward directly.

Neither of us has a cell phone. Edward has a pager, but I don't know the number I'm using to page him, so I need to call the plant. It's then I realize I don't even know that number. My eyes scan the desk and the bookshelves in Kate's office, searching for a phone book

I find it and locate the number. The call connects, and the receptionist answers.

"...Corporation. This is Anne, how may I direct your call?"

"Yes," I begin, clearing my throat. "I need to speak to Edward Cullen."

"Just a moment please." I'm put on hold, but she's back quickly. "I'm sorry, but there's no extension for an Edward Cullen. Are you sure you have-"

"I'm sorry. No, he doesn't have an extension. Um..." I search my foggy brain for a way to reach him. "His supervisor. Maybe try him. John Payne in electrical assembly."

"We don't usually contact them in that department, ma'am."

"Yes, I know. It's an emergency." I try not to let my emotions overtake me again, but I feel like I'm losing the battle.

"Okay. May I tell him who's calling?"

"Bella Cullen."

"Just a moment."

I'm put on hold again as the ridiculous music continues playing on a loop; seconds turning onto minutes. When John answers the call, he must've been told it was an emergency from me, as he wastes no time getting Edward.

"Just a minute, Bella. Eddie's right here." I catch the muffled ' _thanks, man'_ in the background before I hear the voice of the only person in the world I need at this moment.

"Bella? Baby, what's wrong?" The panic in his voice is my undoing, and I begin to cry.

My mouth opens and closes, my voice caught in my throat. The words simply will not cross my lips. All I can do is spit out, "I can't. I just... I need you to come to Kate's office."

"What is it? Is the baby okay?" I can almost see him in my mind's eye gripping his hair in frustration.

"No," I choke out. "She's... She's..." I'm crying in earnest now, the tears pouring down my cheeks.

"Oh God," he says, the despair clear in his voice. "Okay, I'll be there as soon as I can, Bella. Just... Just stay there, and I'll be there soon. I love you, baby."

"I love you, too," I say through my tears.

I place the receiver back in its cradle, and I search the desk for tissues I desperately need. After drying my eyes, I swivel the chair around to peer out the window again. The bustling downtown, the traffic on the city streets, people going about their day-to-day business is hypnotizing to watch. Thoughts of how their lives are going about normally while my whole world is falling apart flit through my mind. How many people down there have experienced pain; a loss like this?

Time ticks by, but I have no sense of how slow or fast. Hearing muffled voices from the other side of the door causes me to turn back toward it, and as it opens, I know that the comfort I seek is almost within reach. His face comes into view, and his red-rimmed eyes tell me Kate has already confirmed his fears.

The sight brings on a whole new round of sobs, a stuttered apology leaving my lips. "I'm so sorry."

He rushes to my side, wrapping me in the safety of his arms.

"No, I'm sorry, baby. I should've listened when you said something wasn't right. I should've..." We're both lost in our grief, holding on as tightly as we can, anchoring ourselves to each other. Hearing him sniffle and feeling his tears on my neck make me squeeze him tighter.

Kate makes her way back into her office, her own eyes and nose red. With my head against Edward's shoulder and my face buried in his neck, I try to block out the voices as they discuss how things will proceed. When asked a direct question, I have to ask her to repeat herself.

"Well, I need to know if you want to be induced, or if you want to allow labor to begin on its own."

"Will I still be able to deliver in the birthing center?" I ask quietly.

"I'm not sure, hon. I can call down there and find out, though." She walks around her desk, picking up her phone and pressing a few buttons. When she's finally connected to the right person, she asks questions I never wanted to hear and uses words that include fetal demise. It turns my stomach that to many people she is just a fetus. To me, she's my baby.

"Okay. Thank you, Sara." I know the answer before she speaks. "I'm sorry, Bella, but you'll have to deliver in the labor and delivery room." Her expression tells me she's disappointed as well. Being surrounded by medical equipment and bright lights wasn't in my plans for delivery.

"I understand."

"Have you thought about how you'd like to proceed?"

I look up into Edward's eyes, and I know we need some time to regroup and talk in private before making any decisions. Turning back to Kate, I answer. "I want to go home and think for a minute."

"That's fine, Bella. You take all the time you need. Now, it's entirely possible that labor may trigger on its own, and the decision will be made for you, so call me anytime if you need me or when you decide."

I only nod as Edward answers for both of us. "Thank you, Kate. We'll be in touch soon."

After handing Edward a stack of validated parking tickets for the many family members that will be joining us at some point soon, she excuses herself. When we've both collected ourselves, and gathered the few things I brought with me, we make our way toward the private entrance door and into the hallway.

The bright smile of a passerby in the hallway after his glance at my belly catches me off guard. I want to scream, yell at them that there's nothing to smile about. Looking down, I realize the shirt I'm wearing may have caused the smile, too.

 _Shh, baby sleeping_

I blink rapidly, trying to keep the tears at bay until we reach the car. As Edward closes the door behind me, I reach for my seatbelt, vaguely thinking I've forgotten something.

"I'll call Charlie or Jasper about coming back here later to get your car," he says as he gets in. _Oh, that must be what I'm forgetting._ He starts the engine, backs from the spot and grabs my hand as we drive through the parking garage. The reassurance I get from his firm grip is the only thing holding me together at this point.

As we pull up to the attendant in her booth, Edward fumbles through his pocket, grabbing several of the validated tickets and absentmindedly thrusts them at her.

"Where did you get all these?" she asks accusingly. "You shouldn't have all these."

 _'Shut up, bitch. My baby just died, and we need them to come back to do the most difficult thing we've ever had to do.'_ The thought tumbles through my brain, but the words are stuck in my throat. In a daze, Edward mumbles an apology, and she waves us through, shaking her head in disapproval. We slowly drive through the campus of the hospital and out onto the city streets.

"We need to go get Jacob," I whisper.

"Are you sure you want him home right now, Bella?"

"I need to hold him," I say softly. Other than Edward's arms, Jacob's smiling face is the only thing that can possibly make me feel any better. I know we have things to talk about, decisions to make, but I need my son.

"Okay, baby. Whatever you need."

The drive to Rose and Emmett's goes by in a blur, and I stay in the car when Edward goes to retrieve Jacob. Seeing him in his daddy's arms as they walk back to the car brings on a whole new round of tears. His smiling face as Edward whispers to him breaks my heart. That smile will disappear when we have to tell him we won't be bringing home _his baby_ after all.

"Hi, Momma," he says excitedly as Edward buckles him into his car seat.

"Hi, baby. Were you a good boy for Aunt Rose?" I ask him.

"Uh huh," he says with a nod. "We go home?"

"Yeah, baby, we're going home."

"Kay." He settles into his seat and watches the scenery as we drive.

"Rose said she just fed him, but he didn't take a nap. So, he should go down when we get back to the house," Edward softly says to me from the driver's seat.

"Yeah, good."

Once we're home and inside, Edward steps out of the room to make a phone call or two, and I curl on the sofa and watch my son play with his toys in the living room. It's surreal watching him go on as if nothing has changed when I know that _everything_ has. I dread having to explain to a two-year-old what's happened. Part of me knows he won't understand, but I also don't want to ignore it. He's a very bright boy, and he'll know something isn't right. With my due date just two weeks away, we've been preparing to bring home a baby. Now that isn't going to happen.

After settling Jacob down for his nap, Edward sits next to me, pulling me into his arms. "So, we need to decide what we want to do."

"I know. I don't want to use medication to induce, but I don't want to wait for labor to start on its own, either."

"Did you hear what Kate said? That she may not have to use medication?"

"No," I say shaking my head. "I wasn't really paying very close attention."

"She said she may be able to just break your water. Since you're term, that might be enough to trigger labor without any drugs."

I look up into his still red eyes, and see the pain and anguish he must be feeling. "What do you want to do?" I ask him.

"Whatever you want, Bella. I'm here for whatever you need, whatever you want to do."

"I think I want to go in tonight if that's okay."

"Whatever you need." He pauses for a moment. "Do you want me to call, or do you want to?"

"I'll call her. I need to ask her a few things anyway."

"Okay, baby."

As he busies himself with making something to eat, I make the call to Kate. The line directly to her personal cell rings twice before she answers.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Kate. It's Bella Cullen."

"Hi, sweetie. Have you decided what you'd like to do?"

"I have. I'd like to come in tonight if that's all right with you."

"Of course, Bella. Whatever you need."

"And you'll stay with me, like last time?"

"Of course. I'll be there like I was with Jacob. I won't leave you alone."

"Okay."

"Good. Now, what time do you think you'll be back to the hospital?"

"Um, let's say eight? I need to get Jacob settled with family before we head back there."

"Okay, then I'll meet you at the hospital at eight."

As we say our goodbyes, I hear Edward speaking to my dad at the front door. His choked, emotional voice isn't one I'm used to hearing; Charlie is usually reserved in showing his feelings.

"So, there's nothing they can do?" I hear him ask.

"No, Charlie. There was no heartbeat," Edward answers.

Peeking my head around the door, I see his downcast eyes as he shakes his head. "So, they'll just what? Induce?"

"That's the plan. We're going back to the hospital tonight."

"All right, I'll be sure to let Sue know what's going on. Do you need us to take Jacob?"

"If you don't mind. He's comfortable at your house so it might make it easier on him."

"Sure. Just bring him on by when you head out later."

"We will."

"Okay then," he says with a quick nod. "Oh, and don't worry about making any arrangements. I'll call and make plans. Do, uh, do you guys know where you'd like to have her buried?"

With that, the conversation is just too much, and I have to walk away. I head into the baby's room to go through the bag I'll be taking with me later. As I rummage through it, I begin pulling out the things I no longer need. The soft, lavender sleeper and receiving blankets are gently folded again and placed back in her dresser. The tiny mitts meant to cover her hands are delicately placed back in the basket on her changing table. I'm crying so hard, it doesn't even register that Edward's arms have wrapped around me until I'm on his lap in the chair in the corner.

"Shh, baby. It's okay, let it out, I've got you." His soothing words only make me cry harder, and he holds me tighter. "I'll be right by your side, Bella. I'm not going anywhere."


	3. Chapter 3

_Stillborn_

 _I carried you in hope,_

 _the long nine months of my term,_

 _remember that close hour when we made you,_

 _often felt you kick and move_

 _as slowly you grew within me,_

 _wondered what you would look like_

 _when your wet head emerged,_

 _girl or boy, and at what glad moment_

 _I should hear your birth cry,_

 _and I welcoming you_

 _with all you needed of warmth and food;_

 _we had a home waiting for you._

 _After my strong laborings,_

 _Sweat cold on my limbs,_

 _My small cries merging with the summer air,_

 _you came. You did not cry.._

 _You did not breathe._

 _We had not expected this;_

 _it seems your birth had no meaning,_

 _or had you rejected us?_

 _They will say that you did not live, register you as stillborn._

 _But you lived for me all that time_

 _in the dark chamber of my womb,_

 _and when I think of you now, perfect in your little death,_

 _I know that for me you are born still;_

 _I shall carry you with me forever,_

 _my child, you were always mine,_

 _you are mine now._

 _Death and life are the same mysteries._

 _-Leonard Clark_

* * *

The woman behind the desk at the hospital is far too happy; her smile makes me want to smack her. She seems puzzled about why we're not more cheerful ourselves as she tries to banter with us and offer us her congratulations. But it must become crystal clear after she's made a phone call up to Labor and Delivery, her face falling as she listens to the person on the other end.

"They'll be down to get you in just a moment. Would you like a wheelchair for the trip upstairs?" she asks me.

"No, thank you. I'll walk."

As we wait for our escort, my grip on Edward's hand only intensifies. It's the only thing keeping me centered at the moment. When I see Kate walking down the corridor in our direction, I squeeze even harder. I hadn't actually expected her to be the one to take us upstairs.

"Hey, sweetie," she says in greeting, reaching out to hug me. "How are you feeling?"

"The same. I'm crampy, but I'm not having any painful contractions yet."

"Well, crampy can be good," she says, leading us to the elevator. "We've got your room all ready, so we'll be able to get started."

When we arrive on the Labor and Delivery floor, it's bustling with activity. Nurses and doctors are milling around, tending to moms and babies. We're led to a room at the end of the hall, in a quiet corner.

"They've been instructed to only use the room next door if it's absolutely necessary, so you'll have some privacy." Pushing the door open, Kate points out where everything is and asks me to change into a gown. "I know this isn't the birthing center you planned on, but I'll do my best to make this as close to what you were expecting as I can."

"Thanks, Kate."

She leaves us to settle in, and Edward busies himself with putting away our things while I change into the gown. I sit on the edge of the bed, waiting, him standing before me as I rest my head on his chest, our fingers intertwined at his side.

"I don't want to do this," I whisper, feeling the tears well up inside me again.

"I know, baby. I don't either, but you have to."

I nod against him, not having anything else to say.

When Kate returns, a nurse follows closely behind her. "Bella, Edward, I'd like to introduce Linda. She'll be your labor nurse tonight. She just came on at eight, so you'll have her until the shift change in the morning."

"Hi, Bella, Edward," she says, reaching out her hand in greeting. Edward takes her up on the offer, shaking it in return, nodding a hello. Neither of us are in the mood for pleasant introductions.

"First things first, we need to see if you're dilated at all, and then we can go from there," Kate says.

The exam is unpleasant, as it always is, and deciding I'm dilated enough, with what Kate called a _bulging bag of waters_ , the decision is made to break it. It's relatively painless and over quickly. Kate and Linda make mention that there isn't a huge gush of fluid, so the baby's head must be engaged, or close to it. As they clean me up, there's a knock at the door.

"Hellooo..." Alice stage whispers as she walks into the room. "Hey, sweetie," she says with tears in her eyes. Walking to my bedside with open arms, she sweeps me into her embrace. Though younger than me, I've always found comfort in my sister's arms. "Mom says she's on her way, and they should be here in about five hours or so."

"Okay," I say, wiping a sniffle as she steps away. When Esme steps through the door, I lose it again, the tears falling from my eyes faster than I can wipe them away.

"Oh, Bella. I'm so sorry." With her hands moving over my back, I can feel the love in her touch. When she catches sight of her son, though, she squeezes me tightly before stepping to him, offering him the same love and comfort. Their whispered words are private, and even though they're two of the most important people in my life, I give them this moment to speak, between mother and son.

Details are shared, and everyone settles in for the long night ahead. Family comes and goes, visitors popping into the room to offer their love and support. Even a few members of the congregation stop by to offer their condolences and offer a prayer. My numb brain can hardly process it all as I listen to words meant to comfort me; but tonight, my faith in God is tested, at best.

When the contractions begin in earnest, I'm prepared. Edward, Alice, Esme, and Kate all take turns encouraging me to breathe and relax. Linda, the nurse, is happy to support us, keeping notes on my progress and reminding me to change position to encourage the progression of my labor. I'm given an herbal tincture that is bitter and awful but does seem to increase my contractions.

Hours pass before my mother arrives, and along with her, a new round of emotions, only made more difficult by the pain I'm now dealing with. She does what she can, as they all do, but it at one point becomes too much.

"Bella, honey, you're only at five centimeters, and you're laboring pretty hard," Kate says after checking me. "What about a bath?" she asks, slipping off her gloves. "It might help you relax, and your body might loosen up. Because, honestly, it feels like your body is fighting this."

"We can try the bath," I relent.

Edward helps me to my feet, leads me by the hand to the bathroom, and turns on the taps. He gently helps me undress and holds my hands as I lower myself into the tiny tub. It's not even as large as our standard-sized tub at home, let alone close to as large as the pool I labored in with Jacob. When I'm finally seated, I rest my head against the cool tile as the tub fills and the steam begins to swirl around me. The sound of the rushing water almost drowns out his soft words as he leans over the edge to rub my back.

"I can tell you're fighting this. Bella, baby, you heard what Kate said, you need to let go." His lips brush my forehead in a light lingering kiss.

"I can't," I whisper.

"Can't what?"

"I can't let go."

"Why not, baby?"

"Because, then I won't have her anymore," I choke out. "After I deliver, she won't be with me, and they'll take her away. She's safe inside me until I deliver her." Sobs wrack my body, and I cling to my husband as he holds me close. I stay in the water until it turns cold, and I'm eventually led back to the warmth of the bed.

More time passes, and I slowly begin to progress. The sleepless night starts to catch up to me, and when the pain becomes almost unbearable, Kate offers some medication.

"I know you wanted to do this without, but I think a short rest would do you some good. Hopefully, you'll be ready to push in a few hours. We don't have to worry about the medication affecting the baby, so there really isn't a reason not to take the edge off and get a few hours of sleep."

"Yeah, that might be a good idea," I say from my perch on the birthing ball.

"Then, I'd recommend Nubain. It isn't so strong that it'll sedate you, but it might take the edge off of the pain."

"Yeah, that sounds good."

I lie on my side, and they inject the medication into my hip. Edward and I curl into each other on the small hospital in bed, and I drift in and out of sleep. Everyone takes advantage of the relative quiet and rests their eyes, including Kate. The low hum of the television is droning on in the background, and I can hear it but not really. The pains eventually fully wake me, now coming faster and getting more intense. Edward even notices a difference in the tightening of my belly and the groans I'm making.

"I'm going to check you again," Kate says from the chair she's been sleeping in. "I'm thinking that you're getting close."

When she announces that I'm almost at ten, she and Linda begin to arrange what they'll need for the actual delivery. Anxiety sets in, knowing that I'm about to see the little girl I've waited so many months for, only to say goodbye.

"Wait!" I say to Kate between contractions, panicked.

"What's wrong, Bella?" she asks, her hand smoothing my hair from my sweaty forehead.

"What happens...after? Will they try to revive her?" I know it's a foolish question before I even ask it, but I need to know what happens next. Now is not the time for surprises.

"No, sweetie, they won't," she says with a sad smile. "They'll let you see her, and then they'll take her and clean her up for you. They'll dress her if you want them to, and you can have as much time with her as you'd like. The family can all come in and say their goodbyes, and you can take pictures if you want. When you're ready, they'll make the call to have her picked up, and then you'll be released when you've been cleared."

"Okay, thank you," I whisper.

"You're welcome," she says as she wraps me in a quick hug before disappearing with Linda to prepare.

As another pain nearly overwhelms me, Edward is right by my side, holding my hand, kissing my temple, whispering words of love and encouragement. Alice and my mother, along with Esme, are all kind of in their own daze, trying their best to be supportive, but they're all also dealing with grief of their own. And it's okay; I know that the entire family has been waiting for our daughter's arrival for months, so this loss is shared by everyone, not just Edward and me.

With Edward on one side and Alice on the other, they both help hold my legs back as I push. Our moms are there, offering what support they can, but their emotions are getting the better of them as well.

"You've got this, baby. One more," Edward whispers into my ear.

"Come on, Sis," Alice encourages.

"One more, Bella," Kate says from her position at my feet.

With a deep breath and all the strength I have left, I push my daughter from my body, and the world stops turning. Nothing could have prepared me for the silence that settles over the room after everyone's choked gasps. Even Kate seems overwhelmed with emotion, but she does her best to remain professional.

She gently places our daughter into the blanket lying over my waiting arms. Her face is perfect; her cherubic features accented by cherry red, pouty lips. Her head is covered in thick, dark hair; a near carbon copy of her brother at birth.

"Oh, she looks just like Jacob." I hear Esme say from somewhere in the room.

"Dad, would you like to cut the cord?" Kate asks Edward. He only nods, and with shaky hands and tears on his cheeks, he cuts through the last thing tying this physically perfect being to my body.

After I deliver the placenta, the nurse takes the baby to be bathed, and they help me to clean up as well. A fresh hospital gown and a cool rag to my face helps me feel just a little more human. Edward helps me to brush out my hair and wrap it in an elastic. The rest of the family seems to sense that we need some time alone with our daughter when the nurse brings her back to my room, dressed in a floral dress with a pink knitted cap on her head. So, we sit on my bed, looking at the perfect little angel that we'll have to say goodbye to in just a few short hours.

"She looks like a little china doll," I say as I gently trace over her fingers and toes.

"She does. And Mom was right; she looks exactly like Jacob did when he was born. Even down to the crazy hair," Edward says with a sniffle. His finger brushes gently through the thick, dark hair on her head. "Linda said we need to give them a name so they can file the paperwork and everything," he whispers.

"Yeah, I heard her," I say softly.

"Do you still want to use the name we talked about?"

 _Rachel_

Looking at her, the name suits her. From the moment we knew she was a girl, we knew what her name was. The nine months I carried her, she was Rachel. To give her a different one feels wrong ... as if another name would make her be someone else.

"She's always been our Rachel," I say simply. Edward's kiss to the top of my head silently tells me he agrees. "Rachel Anne Cullen," I say softly, still running my fingers along her soft but fragile skin.

Right after delivery, her peeling skin startled me. Linda explained it as part of the natural process after her heart stopped, something called maceration. It's caused by being surrounded by the amniotic fluid for so long, but they said hers isn't terribly progressed since she died so recently. It still makes it difficult to hold her the way I hoped I would be able to; I'm afraid of causing more damage.

Linda comes in to check on me, asking if we need anything and if we're ready for the family to join us. She's our one link to the world on the other side of the door, as Kate left after a tearful hug and her offer of any assistance we might need. After being in her office the entire previous day and the entire night here with us at the hospital, she more than fulfilled her commitment to us. Though, it doesn't escape my notice that Linda has stayed well past her twelve-hour shift.

It isn't long after saying we're ready before the first of the family files into the room. Mom and Phil first, followed closely by Esme and Carlisle. Rachel is held by all but Esme. I believe she's waiting until Mom has had her fill of holding her. But, when she insists that Carlisle keep her, I know there's something more.

While he's holding Rachel, Dad and Sue come in, Jacob holding Sue's hand. He looks unsure, a tentative smile on his face. He cautiously approaches Carlisle, and peers down at the bundle in his arms.

"Hey, buddy. Come here. We missed you," I say with as much enthusiasm as I can muster.

His gaze snaps to mine, and he soon joins me on the bed, his arms around my neck. It's just what I need at that moment. He sits by my side as the rest of the family gets their moment with Rachel, while Esme is quietly taking pictures of everyone the whole time. I don't even notice that more family has arrived until I glance around the room. I hadn't even noticed that more family had arrived until I glance up to look. Alice and Jasper have joined us, and their sad faces cause me to turn away; it's just too much at that moment.

Rose and Emmett soon join us, and a look of shock crosses my brother-in-law's face. I think he wasn't expecting us to be holding her. It must be too hard for him too, because he shakes his head and turns to leave. Rose stays, allowing Jasper to follow his brother out into the hall.

"She's just beautiful, Bella," Rose says as she steps over to see Rachel.

More time passes, and Emmett and Jasper eventually return. Emmett's usually jovial spirit and mischievous grin are gone, replaced with red-rimmed eyes and tear-stained cheeks.

"Hey, Sis," Emmett says with a sad smile on his face.

"Hey, Em," I reply, not knowing what else to say.

After everyone but Esme has had their chance to hold her, Alice walks over and asks Esme if she'd like to.

When she finally takes her granddaughter into her arms, it's almost more than I can bear. As she slowly rocks her in the rocking chair, silent tears stream down her cheeks. I think back to when we told her we were giving Rachel her middle name, and I don't think the sun has ever shone as brightly as her smile that day. She had already begun to bond with her, and her loss is nearly as devastating as ours.

Once they all have their time with her, Edward and I exchange a look. We know we need to help Jacob say his goodbyes now, too. Wordlessly, Esme knows exactly what we need, like she always does, and walks to us, placing Rachel in my arms.

Edward holds Jacob just far enough away that he can keep him from crawling all over me, yet close enough to see his sister.

"My baby?" he asks.

"Yeah, sweetie, this is your baby," I whisper. We'd planned to have Jacob in the delivery room, so it's only fitting he gets to be here for this as well. The soft sobs and sniffles coming from our loved ones gathered in the room tell me we have an audience, but it feels right to share this with them; our families are closer than most.

He leans in close, and gives her an awkward hug hello. Sitting back on his heels, he looks up at me and asks, "Sleep?"

"Yeah, she's sleeping." Right now, it's the only explanation I can offer to him. His two-year-old mind can only comprehend so much, and I'm not in the frame of mind to explain anything more to him.

Edward is too distraught to offer anything more, either. His occasional touches to her cheek or head, along with his sons, breaks my heart. I know he's hurting, but I don't know if I can help him right now.

We spend the next ten minutes or so allowing Jacob to look her over and ask his questions. But when he asks if she's coming home with us, I have to fight hard to keep the tears at bay.

"No, baby boy, she's not coming with us." He looks puzzled but doesn't question us anymore. I realize his attention is waning, so I offer him a chance to say his own goodbye. "Would you like to give her a kiss, Jacob?"

He nods his head and leans in to place one on her cheek. The brief encounter shared by brother and sister is beautiful in its simplicity.

It began with a hug hello and ended with a kiss goodbye.


	4. Chapter 4

_Still_

 _My body is still birthing,_

 _But nothing is to show._

 _The little life that was to be_

 _Left my body days ago._

 _My body is still bleeding_

 _Like a casualty took place,_

 _And I mourn the ever-lingering loss_

 _As I imagine a what-if face._

 _My body is still weeping_

 _Even if no tears are cried._

 _Despite the plastered grit and grin,_

 _My pain feels impossible to hide._

 _My body is still broken,_

 _At least that's what I perceive._

 _What should have been your safest place,_

 _Instead leaves me to grieve._

 _My body is still aching,_

 _Shuddering, and unkind,_

 _Leaving in place of your still life-_

 _A heartbreak for the rest of mine._

 _-_ _Jenna L. Alfrey_

* * *

Dad and Sue decide to take Jacob back home, as it's getting close to his bedtime. Everyone else decides to leave, too, giving us just a bit more time with Rachel before they come to _collect_ her. I don't really want to think about what's next for us, or for her, because at this moment in time, I want to stay in our little bubble and pretend that the rest of the world outside this room doesn't exist.

With a promise to return in an hour or so to be here when I'm released, Mom and Phil are the last to leave.

The room is deadly silent now, only Edward and me...and Rachel. It's so silent that I can hear the sounds coming from the room next door... The sounds of a newborn's cries, followed by the joyful exclamations of a happy family.

 _"It's a girl!"_ I hear. I know this should break what's left of my shattered heart, but I'm numb. Though, I can't stop the silent tears from rolling down my cheeks. Curled in my bed, I watch Edward hold the precious girl he wanted so very badly, his own tears matching mine. When he looks up at me, the pain and anguish are clear in his eyes.

"I'm sorry," I choke out. "I'm sorry I couldn't give you-"

"No, baby. Don't do that, please. Nothing either of us could have done would have stopped this. It's no one's fault." His hand reaches up to brush the tears from my cheek, and I place mine over his, holding it to me. "I love you, Bella. Don't forget that."

"I love you, too."

Standing, he steps to my bedside and sits next to me. He places her in my waiting arms and kisses my forehead before wrapping his arms around both of us. We soak in the comfort of each other, knowing our time with her is almost over.

It's confirmed when Linda walks back into the room.

"Are you guys ready?" she asks gently.

Looking at my heartbroken husband, I can see it in his eyes. We'll never be ready, but it's time to let her go.

"Yes," I say to Linda. She nods and steps closer, waiting for me to place Rachel in her arms. With a kiss from both of us, I hand her over, and as soon as she slips from my grasp, I'm wrapped in the safety of Edward's embrace.

I don't even hear Linda leave the room, but she must, because when I pull away to wipe my eyes, she's gone. Minutes pass, and we wait silently, numbly, to be told what to do next. When Linda finally returns, she begins to give me information, discussing much of the typical after delivery instructions I've heard before. Though this time, there's talk of how to deal with my milk coming in, along with mentions of my abnormal lab work.

"So, you'll need several injections of the RhoGAM," she tells me.

"Why so many? Last time it was just going to be one after I delivered Jacob if I'd needed it."

"Well, we aren't certain how it happened, but your lab work tells us that quite a bit of Rachel's blood mixed with yours. She was Rh positive, and you're negative, so we want to make sure any future children you have are protected."

I nod, too numb to truly understand what it is she's telling me.

"So, I think the plan is to give you seven of the injections tonight, and then the other seven when you go for your follow up. I'm pretty sure Kate wants to see you tomorrow afternoon."

"Okay."

"Okay. Well, I'll go call the blood bank, since the RhoGAM needs to be type-specific, and get your discharge papers ready. While I'm doing that Edward, can give you a hand taking a shower, yes?"

"Of course. Whatever she needs," he says with a comforting smile.

Linda leaves us, and Edward holds me up as I walk on weak, wobbly legs to the bathroom. Helping me once again strip down, he assists me into the steaming shower. I stand there, allowing the warmth to wash over me, imagining the water washing away the pain of the day. I truly feel like a zombie; emotionally spent and unable to react anymore. I'm so numb; Edward has to help me wash my hair.

When I'm done, I step out and just stand there, unable to move. His large, warm hands tenderly dry me from my head to my toes, stopping to kiss the soft, doughy skin over where our daughter lived for nine months. Lost in my own thoughts, I'm still allowing him to care for me. He raises one foot, then the other, helping me to step into the mesh panties given to me by the hospital. He thinks nothing of lining them with the necessary large, but terribly uncomfortable, pads provided as well.

These are things I have never have allowed him to help me with before, but at this moment, I feel like a small child unable to dress herself.

He then helps me into the sweatpants I packed for after my delivery. They're soft, warm, and comfortable against my skin. Next is my bra and a cotton t-shirt. He leads me back to bed, and I lay down onto the freshly changed sheets. He slips my socks onto my feet and pulls the blankets over me, tucking me in.

When he stands to step away, I grab his hand. "Don't go," I croak.

"I won't, baby, I won't."

Linda returns and asks us questions about services we might want, and I don't have any answers. She lets us know what's available as far as support groups and makes sure we have numbers to professionals that can help us _deal with our grief_. I scoff at the thought; as if anyone can help us _deal_ with this.

She gives us a small bag, filled with the dress and knit cap Rachel wore along with the small blanket she used while we held her. She also hands over the hospital's unofficial _birth certificate_ ; the one with a teddy bear and Rachel's tiny footprints. My fingers skim along the words; some tangible proof that she was part of our life for a short time.

Rachel Anne Cullen

Born to Isabella and Edward Cullen

At 7:46 A.M.

On the 25th day of September 2001

7lbs 8oz

20 inches

When asked if we want them to perform an autopsy on Rachel, I'm appalled. Visions of them invading her tiny, fragile body make me nauseous. But, it's Edward's questions that lead me to believe he doesn't feel the same way.

"How often do they actually find a reason," he asks. His voice is gravelly, having not spoken much in hours.

"Honestly, not very often. They would check for genetic abnormalities and physiological ones, as well. But, in many cases, they don't find a definitive reason. There's also the cost involved. It would be something you would have to pay for out of pocket."

"Do you want to have one done," Edward asks me quietly.

I shake my head. "No, especially if they can't guarantee any answers."

"Okay then." He kisses my forehead before turning back to Linda. "No, we'll pass."

"All right," she says, filling in information on more paperwork. Turning to us, she pauses, as if she's considering what to say next. "I didn't say much before, but I noticed there was some port wine colored fluid just before you delivered, and I've only ever seen that with patients that have abrupted; when the placenta detaches from the uterus before delivery. Are you sure you never experienced any sharp pains early yesterday morning or even Sunday night?"

"No, nothing like that," I answer, shaking my head.

"Well, while it's rare, it's not completely unheard of to have an abruption and not feel any pain. So, it's possible that's what happened. And if that's the case, an autopsy wouldn't tell us that, anyway." After scanning through my chart one more time, she turns to me. "So, it looks like the only thing left to do is give you the injections, then you can be on your way home."

"Home sounds good."

As she's readying my shots, Mom and Phil walk through the door, their faces ones of forced cheerfulness. "Hi, sweetie. I heard they're about ready to spring you from this joint."

"I just need to administer these, and she'll be ready to go." Turning back to me, Linda asks, "So, do we want to do all of these in one hip, or a few in each?"

"Just one. That way I'll have one good side to sleep on," I answer.

My injections are given with Edward by my side, holding my hand the entire time. They're painful, and I know I'll be sore, but I also know it's necessary. We do plan to have more children, and I can't risk their lives by neglecting this now.

After thanking her for all she's done for us, we give Linda a tearful goodbye. Edward helps me into my hooded jacket, and I'm put into a wheelchair. Phil left several minutes ago to pull the car around to the doors. He took my bags with him, so Mom is walking behind us empty-handed as the orderly pushes me down the hall, Edward's hand in mine as we go.

We pass other rooms and smiling faces, and I squeeze Edward's hand tighter. My arms feel empty, as well as my heart, and I'm barely holding myself together.

I'm carefully put into the waiting car, and Edward slides in next to me. I hardly notice that Mom is missing but realize she must be driving our car home for us. The city streets are quiet as we drive through the darkness, the streetlights streaking past us, our hands tightly intertwined.

Thoughts of how this drive home should have been flood my mind. I should have my little girl safely buckled into her car seat next to me, with a nervous daddy behind the wheel, smiles on both our faces. Instead, we both seem lost in our grief...empty.

Pulling into the driveway, Phil cuts the engine, and the silence is almost deafening. He quietly leaves the car and heads to our door to unlock the house and turn on lights. Edward helps me out and, hand in hand, we walk inside.

I sit gingerly on the sofa and panic begins to well in my chest. The feeling we've all had of having left something behind is nothing like what I'm experiencing. It is overwhelming me under its crushing weight. My breathing comes faster, and I can't seem to catch my breath as I begin to cry. My eyes widen as I feel like I'm hyperventilating, and I cry out.

"Why? Why _my_ baby?" I wail into my husband's arms as he holds me tight. My mother's hands try to soothe me by rubbing my back, but nothing can bring me any comfort. All the expectations and love I had ready to give my daughter feel like a swollen blister on my heart; full with nowhere to send it. It causes an unimaginable pain to settle in my chest.

Eventually, my breathing returns to normal, but I don't remove my face from Edward's shoulder. Mumbled promises from Mom and Phil to return tomorrow filter through my ears, and we're soon alone.

"Are you ready to go to bed?" he whispers.

I only nod, unable to speak. I change into my flannel pajamas while Edward goes to turn on the furnace to chase the chill from the house. I help him pull back the covers as the smell of burning dust blows through the vents as the heat fills the house for the first time this season.

"Will we try again?" I ask him suddenly.

"What?"

"Will we try again?" I repeat.

"Do you _want_ to?"

"Of course I want to. I feel like I have all this love inside me with nowhere to put it. I don't know how we _can't_ try again." It's the only way I can think to describe what I'm feeling.

"I just don't want to try too soon. As soon as Kate says you're physically-"

"Assuming there are no problems, do you want to?" I interrupt, asking again.

"How will we know it's the right time? I don't want to have a baby just to replace the one we lost," he says sadly as we both crawl into our bed, him pulling me into his arms.

"When we will be just as happy having a boy as a girl, then I think we'll be ready."

"Then yes, when we're ready," he says with a kiss to my forehead.

The morning brings with it visitors, family here to help us make arrangements and keep us afloat. Mom has been making phone calls, trying to reach someone to perform the service, only being able to leave messages so far.

I'm able to sneak away and call my best friend, Angela, who lives in South Carolina, a day's drive from here.

"Oh, Bella, I'm so very sorry," she says softly into the phone.

"Thanks," I whisper.

"Alice said you were having the funeral on Friday?"

"Yeah."

"I talked to Ben, and there just isn't any way we can get up there. I'm sorry."

"No, I understand. You've got little Tyler to worry about."

Ben and Angela's son, Tyler, is just thirteen months old, and they don't like to travel far from home with him. So, it's been ages since I've seen them.

"We'll get up there to see you guys as soon as we can."

"Yeah, sure." Of all the people who will be at the funeral, hers is the one face I really want there, but I know asking this of her won't change anything, only make her feel bad. "Whenever you can."

When asked to choose clothes to dress Rachel in for her final resting place, I make my way into her room for the first time since before we left for the hospital. I run my fingers along the crib rail, brushing against the ties holding the pastel bumper in place. Her quilt is lying on the mattress, the stuffed bear embroidered with her name leaning in the corner of the crib.

"I don't want anyone packing her things away while we're out or if I'm distracted," I say aloud, to no one in particular.

"Okay, hon, we won't," Mom say from behind me.

I walk to her closet and look through all the beautiful things hanging there that she'll never get to wear. I bypass all the lacy, frilly dresses and simple sleepers, and instead, choose a soft, simple shirt and footed pant set, with a pink and cream Classic Pooh design covering it. Thoughts of her being buried in the cold ground all alone float through my brain, her need to be warm a fleeting concern. But I push the irrational thoughts away and hand the clothes to Alice, who's hovering in the doorway.

"This is what I want," I say as I quickly leave the room and head for the solitude of my room to gather my things to take a shower. I robotically go through the motions of readying myself to leave the house, knowing that there are few decisions I will get to make for my daughter and choosing flowers for her funeral is one of them. I can't allow anyone else to do this for me.

My shower is quick, and I mention to Edward in passing that it would be nice to have a hand-held shower head like the one they had in the hospital. It would definitely make it easier to wash with instead of the nasty Peri bottle they sent me home with.

Soon, Mom, Alice, and I are all in the car and headed to the florist. Blossoms in shades of pink and purple are chosen; one arrangement to lie atop her casket, and the other in a basket, a pink ribbon bearing the words _Beloved Daughter_ running through it.

It's while we're out that Mom gets the call that Brother Stanley has agreed to perform the service, so the list of things to worry about is slowly getting shorter. Our next stop is Kate's office, where I receive the rest of my injections and am given a once over to make sure I'm not having any complications.

Leaving the restroom in the office, I overhear Kate's nurse speaking to Mom.

"Just in case she or anyone else faints," she says as she hands over smelling salt capsules to Mom.

Returning home, there are more people than when we left, and our tiny house is nearly full. Dad and Sue have joined us, along with Carlisle and Esme. Phil and Jasper have been keeping Edward occupied as well.

But it's the smiling face of my little boy that makes me the happiest.

"Mommy!" he squeals when he sees me, running toward me as fast as his little legs can carry him. Knowing I can't pick him up, I get to my knees and sweep him into my arms.

"I missed you, baby boy. Were you good for Grandma and Grandpa?" I ask him as I smooth back his wild hair.

"Uh huh, I a good boy," he says with a nod.

"Good, now tell me what you did over there." I spend the next little while listening to my boy prattle on about this and that, just happy to hear his voice.

As I'm rummaging through the kitchen for a snack, my eyes are drawn to the bag on the counter. The opaque plastic does little to hide the packaging of a handheld shower head. My eyes scan the room and meet Edward's. When he figures out that I've found his little surprise, he sheepishly hangs his head, rubbing his neck as he walks to me.

"Yeah, I uh, already installed it," he mumbles.

"Thank you, Edward," I say, followed by a kiss. It's little things like this that make me love him so much. He may not write me love notes and poetry anymore like he did when we were dating, but he always surprises me with things that make my life just a little better.

Rose and Emmett soon arrive with a meal, and they're surprised when we ask them to stay and eat with all of us.

"I need to be surrounded right now with the people I love," I offer as a simple explanation.

We eat, we visit, and we make our plans. The graveside service will be held early on Friday, and I let Alice and Mom help me choose a dress to wear. I have one that isn't a maternity dress, but is roomy enough that it fits. It's a thin linen, but my options are limited. So, I choose to wear a light jacket over it to ward off the chill of the late September air.

Everyone eventually files out one by one, Dad and Sue once again taking Jacob, and we're soon left alone. We go to bed that night, holding onto each other just a little tighter, knowing the next few days will be the most difficult thus far.


	5. Chapter 5

_The Sitting Time_

 _Don't listen to the foolish unbelievers_

 _who say forget._

 _Take up your arm full of roses and_

 _remember them_

 _the flower and the fragrance._

 _When you go home to do your sitting_

 _in the corner by the clock_

 _and sip your rosethorn tea_

 _It will warm your face and fingers_

 _and burn the bottom of your belly._

 _But as her gone-ness piles in white,_

 _crystal drifts,_

 _It will be the blossom of her moment_

 _the warmth on your belly,_

 _the tiny fingers unfolding,_

 _the new face you've always known,_

 _That has changed you._

 _Take her moment and hold it_

 _As every mother does._

 _She will be_

 _your daughter_

 _And when the sitting time is done he will find_

 _bitter grief could never poison_

 _the sweetness of her time._

 _Joe Digman_

* * *

"So, have you thought about who you'd like to ask to be a pallbearer?" Mom asks me from her seat at my kitchen table. She arrived early this morning, offering to help me get ready.

"Um, I guess Dad, Jasper, and Phil," I say, almost as a question. "The need for them was never brought up with the funeral home handling everything for us, so I'm not even sure we need them."

"Well, just in case we do, I'd rather be prepared."

I just nod in agreement as I eat my cold cereal. It's just easier to agree with her. Edward is in the other room, probably trying his best to politely ignore my mother. It's no secret that they've never really gotten along. His opinion of her was solidified years ago when she left Charlie and turned her focus to her new husband Phil and away from Alice and me.

"I need to get ready," I mumble.

"Do you need me to do anything for you before I go back to your sister's apartment?"

I shake my head. "No, I think we're okay."

"Well, I'm pretty sure the plan is for Alice and Jasper to drive you to the cemetery. We need to be there by two o'clock, so be ready absolutely no later than one-thirty." She gets to her feet and gives me a hug.

"We'll be ready," I say as she releases me from her arms.

"I love you, Bella." Her warm hands cradle my cheeks, and at that moment, I feel like the little girl I once was. I also realize I may never have a mother-daughter relationship with my own child if our future children are boys.

"Love you, too, Mom."

* * *

"So, if we need you, you'll do it?" I ask from the back seat of our car. Jasper is behind the wheel; Alice is in the passenger seat.

"Yeah, I can do that. Do you think they'll _need_ pallbearers?" he asks me.

"I have no idea, but Mom thought it would be a good idea to ask you, just in case."

"Whatever you guys need." I catch Jasper's kind, compassionate eyes in the mirror and offer a small smile in return.

The drive to the cemetery is short, and I can feel my anxiety mounting. The vehicle from the funeral home hasn't gotten here when we pull in, so we wait along the road. The rest of the family slowly begins to arrive, lining up behind us in their cars. When a white, unmarked Chevy Venture pulls to the front of the line and Dad confirms it's the funeral home representative, we follow him to the grave we chose.

Thinking back to Wednesday, we were given the option of two different sections of the cemetery to choose from; both areas specifically for children. Driving closer, we pass all the small headstones marking the final resting places of someone else's children, of other families' pain. It's utterly heartbreaking to see so many in one place.

The van stops, and a man gets out and opens the rear hatch. It happens so quickly that when he grabs the tiny casket in his hands and removes it on his own with no preamble or the warning I was expecting, it takes my breath away in a choked gasp.

The tears start again of their own accord, and I know I need to pull myself together. Family and friends are gathered, waiting for Edward and me to exit the car and take our places, so I know we're being watched.

"Hey, I'm right here," Edward says from beside me. "We can do this together, Bella. You're not alone." The sadness in his eyes is somehow a comfort, knowing this is affecting him as well. "Come on, now. Let's go say goodbye to our daughter."

So, with his help and his hand in mine, I leave the safety of the car, and we walk together to where Rachel's casket is placed on a fabric-covered, raised platform or table of sorts. The flowers we chose have been positioned on and next to the pearl-white box holding her body. Carefully, the man from the funeral home moves the spray covering the box to the edge of the table and opens the lid.

It's as if I'm standing on the outside of my own reality, watching these things, this event take place. My brain seems to reject the fact that my baby girl is lying in a box smaller than a footlocker before me. But it's true. She's there, surrounded by soft fabrics of pink and white, the small, pink roses on her shirt lapel accenting the red of her lips. The bonnet on her head covers the thick, dark hair I know she has.

For some of the extended family, this is their first chance to see her, and I hear their murmured words.

" _Oh, she's so beautiful."_

 _"She looks so much like Jacob."_

These are words I've heard before today, but somehow, on this day, they grate on my nerves. I feel like some of these people have not earned the right to be here to say goodbye because they don't feel this loss as I do. They didn't lie awake at night feeling her move, talking to her, loving her, like her father and I did. They didn't carry her for nine months, only to be told her heart had stopped beating. No, it feels wrong that they are here, to look, to gawk, to comment about how much she looks like her brother.

My bitter thoughts are cut short when I'm told the service is to begin. Brother Stanley takes his place to the side of Rachel's casket and begins with a prayer.

I do not close my eyes.

I do not bow my head.

I feel cheated; cheated from a life with her. I do not want to hear that God is with me, that he is watching over me. I do not want to know that he has a plan for her. My brain knows what my beliefs are, but my heart is shattered, and right now, it is thinking for me. The words said are meant to comfort me, my husband, my family, but I find little consolation.

After words are spoken and prayers are given, we are asked if we would like a moment.

 _'Would you like a moment?'_ I've always found that to be an odd phrase. A moment to what? There is nothing I can do to change what has happened. There is nothing anyone can do. We have said all we can say. We have cried all the tears we have. All I can do with this last moment we have been given is look.

I watch as others say their last goodbyes, place letters and trinkets beside her to take to her final resting place. Even Jacob places a small square of one of the cloth blankets he helped me to sew for her beside Rachel.

When Edward and I walk up, when it is our turn, I don't know what to do. The only thing keeping me upright is my husband's strong grip on me. As if we can each feel the other crumbling, we hold tighter to each other.

We reach out together and touch our fingers to her rounded cheek.

"Goodbye, baby girl. Mommy loves you," I whisper.

"Good night, Rachel. We love you." Edward's choked sob makes me spin around and hold him to me tightly. He cries into my neck, squeezing me even closer still. I can sense the crowd dispersing as we cling to each other, but I pay them no attention. My focus is on my husband. Any other time his pain is my pain. But this... This is different. We're both reeling from the blow we've been dealt, and I just don't know how we're going to get to the other side of it.

* * *

Sitting in the basement of Grandma Higginbotham's home after the service, people are chatting around us; occasional light laughter floats through the air. The food on my plate is bland and tasteless, and I hardly hear the conversation aimed my way.

Edward's cousin, Jessica, and her husband, Mike, brought their newborn son to the service and decided to join the family for the meal that was provided. I almost can't bear to look at them, soaking up the happiness from their baby. It makes me almost physically ill.

"How are you doing, Bella?" Grandma asks me.

"I'm hanging in there," I say with a forced smile. Honestly, I can't wait to leave, to get away from the civility I'm being asked to show everyone.

"Do you remember I was there? During the service?" she asks me as if I'm crazy and don't remember any of today. Maybe I did look crazy, but how would I know. I'm lost in my own head today, where I've been since Monday morning.

"I remember, Grandma. I remember." Unfortunately, the details of today will forever be burned into my memory.

It wouldn't be so bad if Esme were here, but she had to meet James, Edward's oldest brother, at the Cullen's home. When Grandma said she didn't want him in her home because of his past indiscretions, well, it broke my heart; for Edward and Esme both. I foolishly thought they could put aside their differences for just one day, the one day we needed our entire family to surround us.

Conversation continues, and as soon as it's polite, Edward and I gather up Jacob and head to his parent's house. The relief that fills me when we walk through the door is immense. While it's nice to visit with those who came to show us their support, I also feel like Edward and I are on display; as if they're all watching, waiting for us to break down.

Here, it's different. Carlisle and Esme have changed out of their dress clothes; everyone else has kicked off their shoes and loosened their ties. Alice and Jasper are curled on the sofa, watching a movie. Emmett and Rose are trying to keep Benjamin under control as he tries to pull out all the toys Grandma Esme keeps here for him and Jacob.

James looks a little lost, wandering around his mother's kitchen, trying to stay out of everyone's way. When he sees us, he offers hugs and condolences; something he was unable to do when we were at the cemetery.

"Thanks, James," I say as he wraps his arms around me.

"You doin' okay?" he asks as he awkwardly rubs my back.

"No, not really," I say honestly. "But, I _will_ be okay, even if that's not today."

* * *

Sunday finds us saying goodbye to Mom and Phil and everyone else planning on returning to their real lives. Edward's half-sister, Carmen, and her family weren't able to come to the funeral yesterday, her husband, Eleazar, apparently had to work, but today they could visit.

I'm still not feeling very social, so I spend most of the day working on Rachel's scrapbook, preserving the few memories we have of her short time with us. The pages are full of pictures of my growing pregnant belly, our baby shower, and even a few from one of my visits with Kate. Cards from baby gifts are there, reminding me of the love and well wishes we received from our family, too.

Surprisingly, the pictures Esme took aren't as depressing as I thought they would be, and they document the short time we had with her. And incredibly enough, there are two that I even decide to frame; one of Rachel, close up, and one of us, sitting on my bed, a family of four for one brief moment.

Edward spends his Sunday with his father and brothers playing golf. I know he doesn't _love_ the sport, and he's really not very good, but he needs the time with his family. When he returns, there's just a bit of light sparkling in his green eyes that wasn't there before, so I know it was good for him.

He only has one more day at home with me before he has to return to work. I'm forever grateful that he was given five days off with bereavement pay. Since Rachel never took a breath, there is no life insurance policy to pay for her final expenses, so we really need the money. The family has been quite generous, but it only covers so much.

When he actually leaves for work Tuesday morning, I feel lost... with no tether. It's sad to admit, but I'm almost thankful when Jacob wakes up sick with a cough and the sniffles.

"Wait, you're happy your son is sick?" Rose asks with amusement over the phone.

"No, I don't mean it like that. I mean... I just need something to focus on right now, something other than my misery," I tell her.

"I get that. I can only imagine."

* * *

The nightmares start not long after Edward returns to work. I wake up in a panic a couple of times a week, sweat covering my skin. I squeeze my eyes tight trying to rid my mind of the images of Rachel, her eyes open, left behind at the hospital, alone and abandoned one night, only to see her in the lined casket, awake and crying for me the next.

My jerking awake has yet to wake Edward, so he sleeps through it all. I can only hope that they don't last much longer because I feel like I'm slowly losing my mind.

Jacob and I spend the next several days cuddling and playing quietly while he's sick. When he begins to get his energy back, I know I need to tackle packing up Rachel's room. She's been gone for a week, but I feel ready to at least begin.

Opening the door is maybe harder than stepping inside the room. Her things are as I left them; everyone honoring my wishes to leave her things for me. I start by removing the clothes from the hangers, folding them and packing them in a large Rubbermaid tub. The dresser is next, followed by the changing table. When Edward gets home from work, he finds me with tools in hand, trying to disassemble it.

"What are you doing, baby?"

"I need to get these things out of here," I say.

There's a beat of silence before he asks, "Would you like some help?"

"Um, yeah. Could you carry out the boxes that are packed? They need to go into the attic."

"So, you want to save everything?" His question is gentle, but I know what he's really asking... Do I want to hang on to all these things?

My eyes scan the room, the clothes, the toys, the blankets, they are things that can be used for another baby. The things made just for her; the bear with her name on it, her quilt, those will be put away as keepsakes to remember her by. The beautiful, antique crib that was used through the generations, that seems different.

My great uncle David passed away as an infant, presumably sleeping in it, and Rachel died before ever having used it. I don't believe in things being cursed, but now this crib holds too many unhappy memories for me.

"No," I answer. "The crib needs to go back to Great Grandma's house." My eyes find his. "Next time, we start fresh."


	6. Chapter 6

_A star falls from the sky and into your hands. Then it seeps through your_ _veins, swims_ _inside your blood and becomes every part of you. And then you have to put it back into the sky. And it's the most painful thing you'll ever have to do and that you've ever done. But what's yours is yours. Whether it's up in the sky or here in your hands. And one day, it'll fall from the sky and hit you in the head real hard, and that time, you won't have to put it back in the sky again._

 _C. Joy Bell C_

* * *

"Do you have everything you need?" Edward is lingering in the doorway, trying his very best not to rush me out the door. Jacob is giggling as he holds onto his daddy's leg; the smile on his face along with his bright, green eyes brings a small grin to my own.

"Yeah, I think so. Are all the other bags in the car?"

"Yes, ma'am, and the cooler, too."

When he suggested the three of us take some time to go away for the weekend, I was hesitant. But the constant stream of sympathy cards and phone calls to check on us was enough to convince me it would be nice to get away from things for a few days. So, he rented us a cabin near a lake at a nearby state park. It may be too cold to swim outside, but we'll have access to a pool at the lodge in the park.

"And we don't need to take linens or kitchen stuff?" I ask as I go through my bag one more time. I just know I'm going to forget something; my brain is still foggy these days.

With a sigh, he pushes off the doorframe and walks over to me. "Bella, baby, everything is taken care of. Just you, your clothes, and something to eat. Maybe a book if you want to read," he says wrapping me in his arms and placing a kiss on my forehead. He must spy my swimsuit in my bag, because he asks me about it. "Kate said you could swim?"

"Yeah, she said tampons would be okay for the short amount of time I'll be swimming," I mumble, embarrassed to talk about it with him, even after all we've been through.

"Good, because Jacob is really looking forward to it. Aren't you, buddy?" he asks our son, reaching down to ruffle his hair.

"Yeah, me swim, Mommy!" he says excitedly. "You swim, too?"

"Yes, Mommy's gonna swim too."

* * *

The drive is nice when we finally get out of town and closer to the park. It's early October, and the leaves have begun to change, so the various shades of red and gold paint the passing landscape.

I wait in the car as Edward checks us in, and he's back quickly, key in hand. The cabin is in a loop with several others, but it's secluded enough, since they all seem to be empty. We walk inside, turn on the lights, and we're pleasantly surprised with how nice it is.

It's decorated plainly, but tastefully, in neutral shades. It's small, but cozy; a comfortable looking sofa and a gas fireplace I know we'll get some use out of. The kitchen is stocked with necessities, and the two bedrooms are small but sufficient. It isn't luxury accommodations, but it's just what we need.

After settling in and unpacking, we spend what's left of the evening playing games, giving Jacob his bath and reading him his bedtime story. When he's finally out, Edward and I curl together on the sofa in front of the blazing fireplace.

"This is nice," he mumbles into my hair, his hand tracing a path up and down my back as I have my head lying on his chest.

"It is. I've missed this, spending time just the two of us."

"Me too." His fingers dance along my jaw until they reach my chin, tilting it up to raise my lips to his. His kiss is soft, tentative at first. He slowly applies more pressure, then pulls back, seeming to gently taste me. His tongue dances along my lips, asking for, not demanding, entrance. When I part them, he's tender, careful with me. His hands cradle my head, and I feel like I'm the most precious thing in his world.

It feels like it's been weeks since I've kissed my husband like this. And truly it has. Our physical affection has been limited to hugs, handholding, and the occasional peck on the lips for more than two weeks. The last time we made love was the night before we lost Rachel.

My hands go from gripping fists full of his shirt to his neck; my fingers weaving into his hair. Edward's seem to have a mind of their own as well, his right one drifting down my neck, along the side of my breast to my waist, pulling me tighter against him.

His lips pull away and drift to my neck, making me gasp, a rush of need shooting through me. It's not desire, per se, but a need to be close to him, to connect with this man I love so much. But I know it's too soon; I only delivered seventeen days ago. I had the green light for sex just two weeks after Jacob was born; told it was fine as soon as my bleeding stopped. This time, though, at this point it's still going strong.

"I really wish I could get closer to you; that we could..." My words trail off when his tongue reaches a particularly sensitive spot on my neck.

"I know, baby. Me too." He pulls back just enough to look into my eyes, searching them. "We just can't have sex, right?"

"What?" I ask, confused.

"Can I at least make you feel good?" It's that moment he chooses to slip his thigh between my own, pushing it against me as he carefully presses down on my hips, effectively grinding me on his leg. It elicits the reaction he was going for, though, as I close my eyes and softly moan. "That's it, baby. Just feel."

His lips are back on mine as his hands encourage my hips to move against him, the gentle pressure feeling so very good. I'm lost in the sensations he's giving me when it occurs to me that he needs this just as much as I do. I may not be able to give him much right now, but I can give him this.

My hand travels to the waistband of his jeans, flicking the button open and snaking my hand inside. Before he can stop me, I've grasped his length and begin to stroke him.

"Ugh," he groans. "Bella, you really don't have to do that."

"I know, but you need this as much as I do." Our lips lock again as we push and pull, tug and stroke each other to a mutually quiet release, swallowing each other's cries as we come. After pulling apart enough to remove my hand that's still trapped within the confines of his jeans and boxers, I discreetly wipe it on the inside of his t-shirt before resting my head back on his chest as our breathing calms.

His arms wrap around me, and he kisses the top of my head. I snuggle closer, tucked under his chin and stare into flames of the fireplace. I feel the rumble of his chest as he speaks, more than hear him when he says, "I love you so much, Bella. Don't ever forget that. I know it's gonna take a while to get past this, but I'll be right by your side the whole time."

We spend the rest of the weekend playing with our son, swimming, hiking, and visiting the nature center at the park. We even spend a day on the beach of the lake playing in the sand. Well, my boys play. I'm completely content to sit on the blanket and watch them. It's not beach sand, it's much too rocky, but it doesn't stop them from trying to build a lakeside version of a sandcastle.

It makes me laugh, watching them try. But what really warms my heart is watching Edward with Jacob, his patience unending and his smile bright as he watches his son play. It reminds me of what I've always known; this man was made to be a father. It's at that moment I know that we need to try again.

 _ **Late**_ _ **October 2001**_

"And they called and said it was installed? For sure?" Edward is driving us back to the cemetery, even though we were just there last week for what will become our monthly visit.

"Yeah, they called yesterday afternoon and said it was there," I reply as Jacob's soft chatter makes its way to our ears from the backseat.

"Do you want to stop for more flowers to leave?" he asks me.

It only takes a moment for me to decide; I'm unable to pass up the opportunity to do even this small thing for our daughter. "Yeah, if you don't mind," I say softly.

Edward reaches over the console to grab my hand as he drives with the other. "I don't mind." He raises my knuckles to his lips, placing the softest of kisses there.

* * *

I place the small bunch of pale, pink roses on the cold, unforgiving ground. The grass hasn't had a chance to grow before the cooler, fall weather set in, so it is still rough earth lying atop the grave. The gray granite slab is simple yet heartbreaking all at once.

Our precious baby girl...

Rachel Anne Cullen

September 25, 2001

...Gone but never forgotten.

That's it. No dash, only a single date. Thinking of the nearby headstones where others lie, there are dashes; dashes that represent a life lived, moments and memories made, things we were robbed of. Seeing that single date, carved into the eight by sixteen-inch block of stone makes not only the chill of the October air seep into my bones but a deep ache in my heart.

Edward silently wraps his arms around me, and we hold on to each other while our son naps in the nearby car, trying to bring comfort to one another for a pain only the two of us know.

 _ **Early November, 2001**_

"Well, I'd say that physically, everything is good. You're healing well, and there are no lasting physical issues. As far as you getting pregnant again, I can't answer that for you. Once you've had a regular period, your ability to get pregnant will return. Possibly even before then. So, the decision on _when_ is yours."

My six-week check-up with Kate is going as I expected it to. I'm finally done bleeding, and now I need to know when I can get pregnant again.

"You've got several options, Bella. I can prescribe the pill for you, I could fit you for a diaphragm, you could use condoms or natural family planning," she offers.

"Well, I know I don't want to do anything hormonal, so no to the pill," I say with confidence. "I feel out of whack as it is; I don't need to add to that."

"What about the other options?"

"Well, I think we'll be trying sooner rather than later, so maybe right now we'll just use condoms."

"Okay, then just call us when you think you might be pregnant, so we can start the hormone treatments right away, all right?"

"Yeah, sounds good," I say with a genuine smile. While I don't like having to take the progesterone early in my pregnancies, I'm told it's a necessary evil to maintain it until the placenta takes over at twelve weeks. While not as devastating as losing Rachel, losing our first at ten weeks was a harsh blow as well. I'm just glad they figured out that my hormone levels were low early on with Jacob, and I was able to get what I needed.

I leave Kate's office with a happy outlook and a smile on my face. Knowing there isn't any physical reason I can't have another baby helps to stitch together a small bit of my broken heart. After picking up Jacob from Rose's, we head home and get started on dinner.

As the afternoon stretches on into the evening, and I don't see Edward, I start to get worried. I page him, but he doesn't return my call right away, so I end up feeding Jacob and myself. Once the sun dips below the horizon, I get him ready for bed, and he doesn't get a goodnight kiss from Edward before drifting off to sleep.

"Hey, baby," he says as he finally walks through the door looking tired and weary. I get a quick kiss as he puts away his coat and unlaces his work boots.

"How was your day?" I ask him as I busy myself with making him a plate.

"Fine; long, but fine." He's flopped onto the sofa and switched on the television. Deciding there's nothing on our limited antenna channels, he switches over to whatever is in the DVD player to numb his brain.

"Here." I hand his plate to him, and he digs in, focused more on the movie than my company, so I try to shift his attention. I know if I wait until we're in bed for the night, he'll be asleep before we can really talk. "So, I had my appointment with Kate today."

That does it, and he's now giving me his undivided attention. "Really?"

I nod. "Yeah, and she said that whenever we're ready to try again, I'm physically fine. So, maybe as early as next month?"

"Wow. That soon?"

"If we want to."

"Think you'll be ready that quickly?"

"I think so," I say with a shrug. He puts his fork down, and even moves his plate off his lap, focusing on me. "I mean, it's hard to explain. Like I said before, it feels like my heart is..." I pause, thinking of a good word to describe the feeling. "Like it's overflowing with love and care for a baby, and I have nowhere to put it. It's like...like the complete opposite of a hole."

"No, I think I understand. I just don't want to do this if you feel the least bit unsure, Bella. I mean, I don't want to have a baby to replace Rachel. It wouldn't be fair to him or her," he says softly, reaching out for my hand. "I just don't want to do it for the wrong reasons."

"And we won't." Silence settles between us as we each digest the implications of having another baby soon.

"So..." he starts with a small smile on his lips. "If you saw Kate today, does that mean...?"

I laugh at the sudden shift in mood, gently nudging his shoulder. "You're such a guy." I smile and shake my head. "But, yeah..." I start, looking into his bright, hopeful eyes. "I'm all yours."

* * *

Thanksgiving weekend, I get my period again, and it feels like a chance at a fresh start. We don't talk about it much, but the condoms have been used every time since then. So he's surprised when I grab his hand as he reaches for one in the bedside table one night.

"You're sure?" he asks me, his face hopeful.

"I'm sure," I whisper. I search his eyes and see that he wants this too. "I'm ready."

So that night, as we make love with nothing between us for the first time in months, it feels like more, like our life is moving forward again. We're officially trying.

* * *

"Baby, do you have Jake's backpack ready?" Edward hollers from the other room.

"Yeah, it's packed. I just need to finish packing up these cookies."

The December season has been busy yet lazy since he took off the two weeks surrounding Christmas and New Year's. And we've spent today just lying around the house, waiting to go to the Cullen's for dinner. But, when we got the call this morning that the hospital had photographs they'd taken of Rachel ready for us to pick up, we knew we needed to get a move on early.

When our coats are on, and our bags and cookies are packed, we're off and headed to the hospital. I've been back there to see Kate since September, but this is the first trip Edward's had to make. He's quiet as he drives, contemplative I'm sure.

"You okay?" I ask him, giving his leg a slight squeeze.

"Yeah, I'm fine," he says, glancing over at me, a small smile on his face. The rest of the drive is spent in silence, and when he pulls into the driveway that loops in front of the doors, I hop out and run inside. The nondescript manila envelope with my name on it is waiting for me at the reception desk, so I'm able to grab it and get back to my family in just moments.

Edward pulls away from the hospital, heading toward his parents' house but sneaks a few looks down at the envelope in my lap.

"So, do you want to open it?"

"No." I shake my head. "I think we should wait until we get home, if that's okay with you." His shoulders sag in what looks like relief as if he thought I'd open it while he was driving and he couldn't see them.

"I think that's a good idea."

Dinner and the company that night are nice. My in-laws have always felt like _my_ family, but that's to be expected. I've known them since I was ten-years-old after all. Esme's hugs are the icing on the cake because they all make me feel so welcome. But this time, when she pulls me in for one, she senses something different and studies me just a little too closely. I school my features, trying not to give away what I suspect as she stares into my eyes.

"How are you feeling these days, sweetie?"

"Good, Esme. Really good," I answer honestly. My small smile is in stark contrast to the huge emotion I've felt for the last few days since I've had my suspicions; suspicions I plan on confirming or denying in the morning.

That night, sitting on our bed side by side, we open the envelope. The photographs aren't at all what I expected and leave me almost unsettled. Rachel is dressed in the floral dress and pink, knit cap she wore when she was brought back to us, but they've posed her to appear as if she were something we know she is not; alive. A stuffed animal is in her arm, a blanket pulled over her. In a few of the shots, she's wearing only a diaper, and it feels all wrong. The pictures feel very...cold. There's no one holding her, no one in the frame to show anyone else how much she was, and still is, loved; how much she'll be missed.

"I like the ones Mom took better," Edward says quietly from beside me.

"Me too."

"Maybe we'll just put these away?" I can tell he's just as unsettled by them as I am, so I agree.

"Yeah, I'll put them in the back of her scrapbook or maybe that keepsake box with the other things."

"I think that would be good."

So that night, after Edward has started snoring softly, I creep into what was Rachel's room and retrieve the small, wooden chest where I've kept her other keepsakes. Lifting the lid of the box, I reach inside and run my fingers along its contents. The clothes she wore in the hospital are in a soft, cloth pouch, tied closed with tiny, pink ribbons. A small photo album, pink fabric with white, frilly booties adorning the cover, holds all the pictures Esme took that day and the days following. The bear with her name sits in the corner of the box, and a newspaper from the day she was born lines the bottom. Even the positive pregnancy test from the day we knew she was coming is there, a reminder of a better, more hopeful time.

I pull the newspaper high enough to slip the small envelope underneath it and close the lid, ready to quiet this time in our lives. Seeing the old pregnancy test inside the box reminds me that we could be doing this all over again very, very soon. Suddenly, waiting until morning feels like waiting a lifetime.

I turn and walk back to the bathroom and close the door. I rummage under the sink until I find the small bag containing the test I was waiting until morning to take.

 _Use any time of day!_

I'm nearly a week late, so if I am pregnant, my hormone levels should be high enough to register on a home test, even this late at night. Most of them suggest waiting until first thing in the morning, but I think I may explode from anticipation before then if I wait any longer.

I remove it from the packaging, keeping the extra test in the box, and pee on the little, white stick. With trembling hands, I place it on the counter and wait. I really try not to sit and watch it, but I do.

Even though the instructions say to wait three minutes, possibly up to five, it's mere moments before I start to see the faint appearance of a second line. My heart begins to beat furiously, and the trembling of my hands turns into shaking, the smile on my face only growing.

I clean up the mess, and hide the trash, just in case Edward is in here before me in the morning, and I slip back into bed.

So, as the sun begins to filter through the window the next morning, my eyes open to find my beautiful husband staring at me, a small smile playing on his pillow-creased face.

"Morning, baby," he says with his gravelly morning voice. "You sleep okay?"

"Not really," I say with a smile. His brow furrows in confusion, not understanding how I could not sleep well but be so happy this early in the morning.

"Then why are you so happy, Bella? You've gotta admit, that's not like you, Mrs. Grump Butt." He chuckles at his little jab, proud of himself.

"Well, I was too excited to sleep."

He pulls me close, the covers cocooning us in their warmth. "What had you so excited you couldn't sleep?"

I pull away just enough to reach over to what I hope will bring a smile to his face. Retrieving the positive test from my bedside table, I roll back into his arms just far enough away to hold it between our faces. It takes a moment for his sleep-addled brain to catch up, but when it does, his smile is brighter than the morning sun streaming through our windows.

"Really?" he asks, sounding almost afraid to hope.

"Really," I say with an excited nod. "I'm pregnant! We're gonna have another baby!"


	7. Chapter 7

_Go Gently_

 _I feel these days as if some awful monster_

 _with a grip like a jackhammer_

 _has grabbed me,_

 _lifted me,_

 _shaken me,_

 _from head to toe, for days._

 _Now that it has finally put me down,_

 _I must tread warily, cautiously, one foot at a time,_

 _watchful of the dangers_

 _and hurts that look around every corner._

 _I must go gently,_

 _like a person recuperating from a life-threatening illness._

 _-David Morawetz_

 _ **January 2002**_

"Well, your lab work shows no genetic abnormalities, and all the other tests came back normal as well. So, I can say with confidence that this pregnancy should proceed normally and without any known complications."

The genetics specialist Kate sent us to is nice enough, if not over the top thorough. The questionnaires alone make me feel like I need a blood sample from each and every relative of ours, living or dead.

"So, Rachel wasn't lost due to some genetic reason?" Edward asks, just making sure he understands all we've been told.

"No, Mr. Cullen, there was no evidence that genetics contributed to losing your daughter."

Edward's hand squeezes mine, his relief palpable. "Thank you." Reaching out with his free hand, he shakes the doctor's in gratitude.

Leaving the office, we both have tentative smiles on our faces, almost like we're afraid to hope.

 _ **Early March**_

"I really wish you could have joined us, Bella," Charlotte, my uncle Peter's new wife, says to me. We're back at Grandma Higginbotham's house, once again in their basement, having another family gathering; this time more joyful than last. They were married just last week, and we were unable to attend due to the terrible bout of morning sickness I'd been dealing with.

"Me, too. I just couldn't bring myself to drive that far feeling as badly as I have been. Besides, I doubt I'd have been very good company," I respond. It's true, I've been almost too sick to leave the house these days. A four hour drive to a wedding I didn't care to sit through did not sound like a good idea.

I look over to Edward, and he's in conversation with Jasper. They always seem to pair up at these get togethers my family is always having. Alice and I are usually enlisted to help with the food and arrangements, therefore busy with one thing or another. But this time, thankfully I'm not asked.

My husband looks tired, even from across the room. The last few months have been hard on us, in more ways than one. Jacob has been having night terrors, which means none of us are getting enough restful sleep. Edward has been spending a lot of time at work, taking as much overtime as he can to pay the bills. Though, I doubt it's all about money. I think, in his own way, there's a part of him hiding from the reality of dealing with everything that's happened. Add my morning sickness to it, and we're all a little worse for wear.

"So, will they be having a baby shower for this one?" Charlotte asks, pointing to my baby bump.

"Oh, I don't know. No one has said anything yet, but we have a few months. It's only the first week of March, and I'm not due until the very end of August or the first part of September. So we have time," I say with a small smile.

"Well, and we might want to wait," Grandma says, leaning over me to speak to Charlotte before looking up to my eyes. "You know, just to make sure."

Charlotte is as visibly surprised by Grandma's comment as I am, and judging by the quiet of the room, so is almost everyone else.

"Excuse me," I say, getting to my feet and finding my way up the stairs. Even though it's cold outside, the fresh air might do me some good. I make my way to the back porch, and wrap my arms around myself, trying to keep the tears at bay.

The sadness only creeps in occasionally these days, and I'm really, truly excited about our new arrival. But things like Grandma's comment makes that niggling voice in my head whisper words of blame and fault. If my own family doubts I can carry another baby to term, it's hard to believe it myself.

The warm, strong arms that wrap around me are a comfort I didn't know I needed.

"You okay?" he whispers in my ear.

I huff out a humorless laugh. "Man, if I had a dollar for every time someone asked me that question..." I turn in his arms, looking up at him. "Well, let's say you wouldn't have to put in so many hours at work."

I rest my head on his chest, soaking up the warmth, and concentrate on the sound of his steady breaths.

"I heard what she said," he says quietly.

"I'm pretty sure everybody heard her, Edward." My head is still resting against him, but his fingertips find my chin, lifting it to make me look up at him.

"You know I don't think that, don't you?"

I search his eyes for the truth. What I find is his always-honest openness. "I know you don't. But Edward, can you honestly tell me it's not a worry in the back of your mind? And do you think we'd survive it if-"

"Hey, don't think like that. I have to believe things will be fine this time."

"This time. Edward, I've been pregnant three times, _three times_ , and we only have _one_ child. You have to admit that my odds aren't very good," I say incredulously. I pull away enough to turn away from him, crossing my arms back around myself.

"Bella, we have to have some faith that things will work out this time. We have to."

 _ **Late March**_

"Are you sure he's taking care of himself, Bella? I know you guys are having a rough time right now, but I'm worried about him," Esme says about her son. "Is he eating?"

I shrug. Even I've noticed him looking worse and worse lately. It's been six months since we lost Rachel, and in some ways, I feel like I'm losing my husband, too. He's been a great support, always there for me when I need him, but he has moments when he's distant and doesn't want to talk about things. But what we're all starting to notice is the weight loss.

"I don't know, Esme. I'm not getting up with him anymore, so I don't know if he's eating in the mornings, and I make sure he's taking something for lunch, but I can't go to work with him to make sure he's actually eating it. I make dinner, but he usually just picks at it. He's a grown man, what do you want me to do?" I ask with exasperation.

"I don't know, sweetie. I just don't know," she says pulling me in for a hug.

 _ **Mid April**_

"And there's your baby!" the ultrasound tech says cheerfully.

"And everything is okay?" Edward asks nervously, squeezing my hand.

"Everything looks perfect." She swirls the wand over my belly, capturing images of our little miracle. "So, would you like to know the sex?"

Edward and I look at each other, knowing what our answer will be. No matter when we hear this bit of information, we know it will be emotional, but we prefer to do this privately.

"Could you write it on a card and seal it in an envelope?" I ask her.

"Sure, hon, I can do that."

* * *

The drive to the park is quiet, both of us lost in our own thoughts. Edward finds a parking spot and gets out to retrieve the blanket we brought along. I heave myself out of the car, and waddle along beside him, taking his hand when he offers it. I never really lost much baby weight after Rachel, having gotten pregnant again so soon, so I'm a little heavier than I'd like to be.

We walk until we find a quiet corner of the park and he lays out the blanket. He helps me to sit, and takes his spot at my side. We're both silent, lost in thought, as we sit here, the envelope holding vital information to our future lying between us.

"Do you want to open it, or do you want me to?" he asks me.

"I'll open it," I say, my words shaky.

With slightly trembling hands, I pick up the envelope, but Edward's hand stills me. "You're sure?"

"I'm sure."

I run my finger gingerly under the sealed flap and take a deep breath before pulling the slip of paper from inside. I don't look at it, though, and just hold it between my fingers as I glance at my husband. For some reason, there's apprehension; as if this moment will somehow change things.

"I love you," I say.

"I love you too, Bella."

Glancing down, I see the words that will once again change our course.

 _It's a boy!_

A small smile crosses my lips as tears fill my eyes. "It's a boy," I say simply, looking up at my husband. I don't know what I was expecting, but the moment is subdued, quiet. It's not the joyous occasion we shared with our family last year when we found out we were having a girl. This private moment between us is just that, private.

"A boy," he says, his own quiet tears filling his eyes.

"Are you disappointed?"

"No," he says, shaking his head. "Not really. I mean, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hoping for another girl." His eyes meet mine. "You?"

"No, I don't think so. But it's kind of the same for me. I know we said we'd try when we were ready to welcome a boy _or_ a girl into the family, but I'm still a little disappointed." I pause, thinking over my words. "But, Edward, we're allowed to be. I feel like we've earned that much."

"You're right, we have." We're both quiet again, letting it all soak in. "So, another boy, huh?"

"Yeah," I say with a small, genuine smile, "another boy."

 _ **June**_

Spring has turned into summer, and with it brings the move of Mom and Phil back into town. I see them on a regular basis now, which is a change for me. Though, it is a distraction from the tension I'm feeling at home right now.

Recently, Edward seems to be pulling further away from me. He's quiet and disconnected most of the time. Even his time with Jacob is less and less these days. He works longer and longer hours, and our evenings spent as a family are rare events. Jacob and I are left to fend for ourselves more often than not.

And I'm growing more and more concerned. He's lost so much weight, so quickly; I'm worried there's a real issue with his health. His pants are practically falling off his already lean frame, his belt on its final notch, and his cheeks are beginning to sink in a bit. Needless to say, Esme is beside herself with worry.

I'm worried too, but for other reasons as well. It almost feels like he's avoiding me these days. Time we used to spend wrapped around each other talking at night, is now spent with each of us rolled on our sides turned away from one another. At a time when we should be leaning on each other for support, even basking in the second chance we've been given, I feel like he's pulling away. The fact that he hasn't _touched_ me in weeks doesn't escape my notice, either.

Feeling bold, I roll over toward him and reach my hand out to brush his shoulder. He visibly tenses but doesn't shrug me off.

"Hey," I whisper. "What's wrong, Edward?"

"Nothing, I'm just tired, Bella."

I run my hand over the hard lines of his bare back, feeling his tension beneath my fingertips.

"I miss you," I whisper into the darkness. A deep breath leaves him in a rush.

"I haven't gone anywhere."

"But you have, Edward. You've been checked out for months. Will you tell me what's wrong?"

The silence stretches on; the ticks of my wristwatch sounding from our dresser top the only sound besides our breathing, until I hear him speak.

"I told you, I'm fine," he insists, finally pulling away from me and rolling closer to the edge of the bed on his side.

"You're not fine!" I finally say loud enough to make him jump. I reach out, grabbing his shoulder to push him to his back, forcing him to look at me. "You haven't been fine, and I'm tired of ignoring it. You're not eating, you stay at work like you're trying to avoid us, and every time I try to talk to you about this baby," I say, pointing to my stomach, "you change the subject. It's making me think we shouldn't have tried again so soon."

"No," he says, shaking his head. "It's not that, Bella."

"Then what is it?" I scream.

"I'm scared!" he screams back at me, sitting up in bed. "I'm scared to death I'm going to give my heart over to another baby only to lose it again, and I don't think I can survive that. And I know if anything happens," he says, sucking in a stuttering breath as his tears start to fall. "If anything happens to this one, I'm afraid I'm going to lose you, too."

His admission surprises me into silence as he drops back onto his pillow, sobs overtaking him. I scramble to hold onto him, trying to hold my usually strong, supportive husband together like he always has for me. His words choke out of him as his tears continue to fall. "I can't lose you, Bella. If anything happens, I'll lose you," he continues to mumble.

"Shh, I'm not going anywhere. Shh," I say, trying to quiet his cries. He's always worn his heart on his sleeve, but this... This is different. I'm watching that heart _break_. I brush my thumbs over his cheeks, wiping away a few stray tears. "Maybe we shouldn't have tried again," I mumble into his hair.

His shaking head pulls away as he almost angrily wipes the tears from his eyes. "No, it's not that, Bella. I'm just... Uggh!" He groans, pulling on his hair. "I'm just scared out of my mind. I want this. I want _him_ ," he says reaching out, placing his hand on my belly. "I just feel like I have absolutely no control over anything and if one little thing goes wrong, I'm afraid our world is going to implode."

I'm quiet, waiting to see if he has anything else to say. When he says nothing, I place my hand over his, still firmly in place, as if he's guarding our son.

"Nothing is certain, Edward. Even regular couples, with regular pregnancies, could have any number of complications or even an everyday accident. I mean, I could get in the car tomorrow and be in an-"

"Don't say that!"

"Well, it's true. Nothing is certain. There are no guarantees in life. All we can do is live one day at a time and hope for the best."

"You're really not making me feel any better."

"Then, what would help?"

"I don't know..." he says with a defeated breath.

"Well, Kate did offer that I go twice a week for a non-stress test, an NST she called it."

"What's that?" he asks quietly.

"I go, they hook me up to a fetal monitor, and I kick back for thirty minutes or so and click a button every time he moves. I'll be twenty-eight weeks in a few days so I can start going in next week. Would that make you feel better? Set your mind at ease?"

"Yeah," he says with a nod. "It would."

"Will you start taking better care of yourself?" I ask.

"I'll try."

* * *

"Okay, Mrs. Cullen here's your magic button," the nurse says, handing over what looks like the clicker on Jeopardy. "Every time you feel a kick, a roll, or anything else, press it, and we'll match it up to the printout to see if the baby's kick count is where it should be."

"Okay, thank you," I say just before she walks from the door. I lean back in the chair and close my eyes, trying my very best to relax. I know this is a good thing, something to make Edward and even Kate and the doctors feel better, but it's a little stressful to me.

It seems like all I do these days is kick counts. Since the baby started moving, it's become almost an obsession for me. And to have Edward and everyone else constantly asking me for numbers is stressing me out. That old expression, 'a watched pot never boils?' Well, this pot is always watched, and as soon as there's some lull in baby movement, everyone freaks, causing me to panic.

Knowing that I'll be in here twice a week to have what basically boils down to a _documented_ kick count, well, with all the counting I do at home, it's just too much.

Rose says she doesn't mind watching Jacob for me while she works from home, and I know he enjoys playing with Benjamin, but it's still a matter of dropping him off and picking him up when all I want to do is relax at home with my boy before his little brother gets here. But, I know this will make everyone feel better, so here I am, relaxing in the sticky, vinyl armchair in the doctor's office, Jeopardy clicker in hand.

 _ **August**_

"Why don't we try a glass of juice, huh?" the nurse asks me.

"Yeah, that should help."

"Did you eat before you came in today?" she asks as she opens the nearby mini fridge for the small bottle.

"Yeah, I did," I answer as she hands me the bottle.

"Well, let's see if this doesn't help get some more kicks on that read out today."

* * *

"How many was that?" Edward asks from beside me on the sofa, his hand firmly planted over his son still safely ensconced in my belly.

"I don't know, I lost count," I say offhandedly, shoving another handful of popcorn into my mouth.

"What do you mean, you don't know? Haven't you been keeping track?" he asks, sounding almost indignant.

"Haven't you?" I ask, sounding equally upset.

"I thought you-"

"You know what, I'm going to bed," I say, scooting to the edge of the sofa and rising to my feet. "I'm exhausted, and I just wanted to relax with my husband and watch a movie, but I don't need the third degree because I'm not doing what I do all day long!"

When Edward finally comes to bed, it's with sheepish apologies as he pulls me into his arms, holding me until we both fall asleep.

 _ **August 15**_

"So, we have some options, but I'm not sure how much Dr. Baker will go along with."

We're back in Kate's office after my latest lackluster NST. It's the third time the baby's movements were not what they should have been, and Edward is nearly crippled with worry. I know this has been especially hard on him, so he's here with me today to see if we can convince Kate to induce me.

"The trouble is, you're only thirty-eight weeks, so I can't just do what I want. I'll need to get approval from the doc. It's all ridiculous, really, because at thirty-seven, the hospital considers you full term," she says with rolling eyes before she scribbles notes into my chart.

I look over into the worried eyes of my husband, and I know what I need to do.

"Whatever you need, let's do it. I'm ready to have this baby," I say with a small but tired smile. I've been up the last few nights concerned for my husband. I know he won't tell me, but I'm pretty sure he's so anxious about something going wrong with the baby that he's been throwing up from worry.

* * *

"Okay, so we'll use the ultrasound to guide the needle, which will go into the amniotic fluid and we'll take a small sample. We'll look at it, and that will tell us if Baby Cullen's lungs are functioning, which will determine if we will induce or not," the doctor explains as he and his nurse prepare what they'll need for the amniocentesis.

Edward is seated to my side facing me and away from the medical supplies laid out as I'm lying on the table in the dark room. My eyes scan the tray of instruments they'll need, and it scares the shit out of me. The long syringe is almost enough to send me screaming from the room.

"I can see your face, Mrs. Cullen. The needle is a lot scarier than it looks. And we'll use a local anesthetic to numb the skin of your abdomen, so the most you'll feel during the actual procedure is pressure."

"Okay," I say, unconvincingly even to my own ears.

They work together to first numb me, then after setting up a sterile field, they insert the unbelievably long needle into my belly, extracting what they need to tell us if the baby's lungs are mature enough to induce labor. With Edward's hand in mine, I focus on his tired face, seeing the toll this pregnancy has taken on him, and I know I'm doing this for him, for us.

So later that afternoon, when we get the call that everything is a go, and I see the weight lift from his shoulders, I know we've made the right decision. The only thing left to do is go meet our baby.


	8. Chapter 8

_A Different Child_

 _A different child,_

 _People notice_

 _There's a special glow around you._

 _You grow_

 _Surrounded by love,_

 _Never doubting you are wanted;_

 _Only look at the pride and joy_

 _in your mother and father's eyes._

 _And if sometimes_

 _Between the smiles_

 _There's a trace of tears,_

 _One day_

 _You'll understand._

 _You'll understand_

 _There was once another child_

 _A different child_

 _Who was in their hopes and dreams._

 _That child will never outgrow the baby clothes_

 _That child will never keep them up at night_

 _In fact, that child will never be any trouble at all._

 _Except sometimes, in a silent moment,_

 _When mother and father miss so much_

 _That different child._

 _May hope and love wrap you warmly_

 _And may you learn the lesson forever_

 _How infinitely precious_

 _How infinitely fragile_

 _Is this life on earth_

 _One day, as a young man or woman_

 _You may see another mother's tears_

 _Another father's silent grief_

 _Then you, and you alone_

 _Will understand_

 _And offer the greatest comfort._

 _When all hope seems lost,_

 _You will tell them_

 _With great compassion,_

 _"I know how you feel._

 _I'm only here_

 _Because my mother tried again."_

 _Written by Pandora Diane MacMillan_

* * *

 _ **August 15, 2002**_

"So, we'll have you take this and see what happens," the nurse tells me, handing me the tiny Cytotec tablet. "Though, I don't know why they're insisting on using this instead of Pitocin..." she mumbles to herself as I swallow it.

When Kate started talking about options for induction, we decided the harsh effects of Pitocin weren't what we wanted to do. Besides, its use would have made it impossible for me to use the Birthing Center here at the hospital, where there is limited medical intervention available. Kate said the oral medication would hopefully get things moving enough that she could break my water and that would kick start labor.

I was praying it would work.

"Thank you," I tell the nurse as she leaves the room. It's kind of a ... holding area for patients going the route I am. Just a few curtained-off areas with basic, gurney-style hospital beds; nothing fancy.

"You ready for this?" I ask Edward as he sits by my bedside, holding my hand in his.

He huffs out a laugh. "I don't think I could be more ready, Bella. I'm... The wait has been a lot harder on me than I thought it would be."

I squeeze his hand in understanding as I lie back and close my eyes, trying to relax.

A few hours tick by and my progress is slow. I am dilating, but the contractions are small, not very strong, and definitely not regular.

"Okay, let's try something different," Kate says after checking me again. "Have you ever tried visualization?"

"Visualization?" I parrot.

"Yeah, you know, where you see yourself-"

"I know what it is; I just didn't think this was the kind of situation you'd use it in."

"Well, it's worth a shot. I mean, what have you got to lose?"

So, I visualize. Whether I'm doing it right or not remains to be seen, but I focus behind closed lids on thoughts of tightening, moving, lowering, and all the other things that need to happen for this baby to be born. Just as I start to feel like I'm making a little progress, my sister shows up.

Alice's head pops around the door, a smile on her face and a Subway sandwich in her hand. "Hey, Sis. How are things going?" she asks as she leans over to kiss my cheek.

"Good. Slow, but good. And did you _have_ to bring food in here?" I whine. "These nurses are definitely _not_ Kate, so I've already been warned not to eat anything." I cross my arms and pout, eliciting a laugh from Edward.

"Baby, you know Kate doesn't care about that. Isn't she the one that told me to get you a soft pretzel from the cafeteria when you were in labor with Jacob? Said something about needing the carbs?" he asks me.

"Yeah, I know _she_ wouldn't care. Hell, she'd probably _tell_ me to eat something. It's the labor and delivery nurses that are going by the book."

"Well, what they don't know won't hurt them," Alice whispers conspiringly as she holds the sandwich to my mouth. The bite causes a little grunt of satisfaction to leave my throat, making them both laugh.

"Uh huh, see, what did I tell you? Hittin' the spot, isn't it?" she says with a nod and exaggeratedly huge eyes.

"It is. I didn't realize how hungry I was," I mumble around my mouthful.

"When's the last time you ate anything?"

"Lunch," Edward answers for me as I take another bite.

"Bella, it's like eight in the evening!" she admonishes. "Why did you go so long without eating?"

After swallowing, I answer. "Well, after we got the call that we had the green light, everything just kind of happened fast. We made sure the bags were ready, got Jake over to Dad and Sue, and then came in here. By then, it was almost four. We just didn't have time," I say with a shrug.

"Which means you haven't eaten either, right?" she asks Edward.

His wide, startled eyes make me giggle, a feeling of lightness settling over the room with Alice's arrival.

"No, I guess I haven't," he admits.

"Well, scoot. I'll sit here with her while you go feed your face, and we'll be here when you get back."

Not one to argue with my sister, he gives a mock salute followed by a 'yes, ma'am.' He leaves me with a quick kiss, and an 'I love you.'

"You've got one of the good ones there, Sis."

"Yeah, I know." I chance a look over at her. "You do too, you know?"

"Yeah," she sighs wistfully. "I know."

* * *

"All right, young lady, it looks like it's showtime!" Kate announces after checking me one last time in the holding area. "You're dilated enough for me to break your water, then things should pick up pretty quickly." She rummages through the drawers of a supply cabinet in the room, readying what she needs, then turns to me. "So, we'll do that here then I'll sneak you into the birthing center," she says with a wink.

"What do you mean, _sneak me in_?"

"Well, let's just say that under normal circumstances, they wouldn't allow you in because you technically have been induced. But, I didn't give you Pit, so as long as I can fudge the paperwork, there won't be an issue."

She takes her place at the business end of things then looks up at me. "Ready?"

"Ready," I say with a nod as I hold Edward's hand. "Let's have this baby."

* * *

The birthing center is basically a secluded area on the same floor as Labor and Delivery; three rooms designated for low-risk moms where they help you deliver without the aid of medications or even continual fetal monitoring. The nice thing is, if there are complications, or you decide to receive medication, the standard labor and delivery, along with the NICU, are both right around the corner.

"All right, let's get you settled in room three, and then we can start your IV, so we're ready to administer your antibiotic," the nurse says as we pass through the doors of the center.

We're led through the common room, where there are sofas and armchairs, a television with family friendly movies, along with a toy box meant to entertain older siblings while mom is laboring. There's even a small kitchenette with a refrigerator, microwave, and a countertop bread maker. When asked about it, the nurse said they make a loaf when each baby is born to 'break bread' with the new family, to celebrate the new life. The kitchen area is anchored with a dining table and four chairs, a welcome place for the family to play a card game or eat a meal.

Walking into the room, it's just as I remember it from our tour. The quilt-covered queen sized bed is in the center, surrounded by a rocking chair and other oak finishes, including a beautiful cradle in the corner. It certainly doesn't feel anything like the room I delivered Rachel in, and even Jacob's birth took place in a typical room in another hospital. I'm actually _excited_ to have this baby here.

"Do you want to change into a gown, or would you rather keep on your own clothes for now?" the nurse, Lisa, asks me.

"I think, for now, I'll stay in what I'm wearing."

"Okay, then let's do this bit of paperwork and then I can get that IV started."

She asks the typical questions, and I sign what I need to sign, and soon, Kate makes her appearance.

"So, how's it going?" she asks as she comes over for a hug, even though we just saw her an hour ago.

"Good. I'm just excited to get this show on the road." I keep glancing over to the nurse as she gets things together to start the IV as Kate continues.

"I am too," she says with a wink. "So, the antibiotics will need to be given every four hours until you deliver, for the Strep B, but we can cap it off, so you're not dragging a pole around with you all night. That is, as long as you drink enough," she says with a pointed look.

"What?" I ask, feigning innocence.

"Well, I just remember the discussion last time about you not drinking enough to keep you hydrated."

"Well, I promise to do what I'm supposed to this time."

"Big stick," the nurse warns as she plunges the needle into my hand.

"Ouch!"

"Sorry, but that's it. Like Kate said, we'll keep this capped between doses, so that's the only stick."

"So, let's go ahead and get a baseline heart rate then we'll settle in for the night." She pulls the Doppler from a drawer and walks toward me with a smile on her face. "Let's listen to that baby."

Our son's heartbeat fills the quiet of the dim room, and they note the rate in my chart.

"Things sound really good, so let's just kick back and let things happen."

* * *

As the night wears on, family begins to filter in. Jasper, Carlisle, and Esme, along with Mom and Phil join us, as well as Emmett with his freshly shaved head.

His recent stint in the hospital has made him quiet, withdrawn, and his marriage is kind of a mess right now, too. Rose decided that she wanted to look elsewhere for comfort while her husband struggles through his mental health issues, so she's currently in Georgia with her family and Benjamin. They're trying to work things out, but I'm doubtful they will.

So as our family sets up camp in the common room, well, actually taking it over, I walk the halls and sit around talking with everyone. I'm the only patient in the center at the moment, so I don't feel bad about taking over the space.

As the clock ticks by, they one by one begin to nod off, some more seriously than others. Alice has taken up the full-length sofa, complete with a pillow and her favorite blanket from home, while Jasper has been relegated to the smaller love seat; forced to sleep with his legs hanging over the armrest. It's almost comical, but my chuckles are cut short as my labor becomes more intense.

Around four in the morning, I've switched from latent to active labor, the contractions now coming more quickly and definitely more intensely. I've changed into a hospital gown and decided to stay in my room.

"You know, we could try the tub," Kate offers.

"I think that would be good, Bella. You need to relax and let your body do its thing," Edward says from my side.

"Will you get in with me?" I ask.

"If you want me to."

"I do."

* * *

The heat of the water, combined with the comfort of Edward's arms, makes me relax almost enough to fall asleep. There's a reason they call these tubs a midwife's epidural; I'm feeling almost no pain. I mean, the contractions are there, and they're powerful, but I'm able to breathe through them.

"You're doing so well, baby," he whispers into my ear.

I hum in response, tensing as another pain travels low in my belly.

"Want me to rub your back?"

Humming my agreement, I sit forward just enough for him to get his hands low on my back. He uses his thumbs and the heels of his hands to massage away the pain. I'm only partially aware when Kate reaches down below the surface of the water with the Doppler to check the baby's heartbeat every hour. When Edward's hands no longer have much effect, and I'm all pruney, I decide to get out of the tub and try the birthing ball.

And so it goes on into the early morning hours. When the clock nears eight, I feel like things are changing, and I ask Kate to check me again. When she does, a smile lights her face.

"Well, you were right. It looks like you're in transition. It won't be long now."

The room is a flurry of activity as they line up the supplies and the warmer for the baby. Alice busies herself with setting up the video camera on the tripod at the head of the bed. I want this recorded, but I don't want any 'crotch shots' as we like to jokingly call them. Having it behind me is a good compromise.

Then the thought strikes me, and I'm in a momentary panic.

"Jacob?" I suddenly ask, gripping Edward's shoulder.

"I just heard from Charlie, Baby. They'll be here in about thirty minutes," he says, kissing my sweaty forehead.

"Okay, good," I say breathing hard through another contraction. "I want him here."

"He will be."

* * *

"All right, let's see that baby!" Kate says from her spot at the end of the bed. I'm lying back against a wall of pillows, with my legs being supported by my husband and my sister. Esme is holding a camera, and her breath if I had to guess, and my mom is hovering nearby with Jacob in her arms. She's keeping him close, but just far away enough so as not to traumatize him by what he's seeing.

"Come on, baby, you can do this," Edward encourages from beside me.

"So, we still don't know what we're having?" Kate asks with a silly smile. She knows that Edward and I are the only two to know the sex of the baby.

"Nope," Alice says. "These two didn't want to share, the spoil sports!"

Panting from beside her, I give her a ' _really?_ ' look. "Have your own, and you can do things your way, Alice."

"All right, on the next one, I need you to give me another good one, Bella."

As the next wave of pain comes, I hold my breath and bear down, giving it my all, pushing until I can no longer hold it. The rest of the air in my lungs leaves me in a burst, followed by more heavy breathing. A few more pushes bring the pain and burning as the baby's head crowns, and soon it's out, and the excitement in the room is buzzing through everyone.

"Okay, we have a head," Kate says over Mom and Alice's squeals as she cleans the baby's mouth and nose. "I think one more, and we'll have shoulders, and the rest will follow."

So, with everything in me, with the next contraction, I push my baby out. The sound that follows is one I'll always remember. His indignant, squealy cry brings tears of relief to my eyes and looking at Edward, I know he feels it too.

Our son is here.

Our son is safe.

Our son is alive.

When he's quickly placed in my arms before anyone else can see what it is, all the pain and heartbreak of the last year melt away. His cries quiet when his dark blue eyes meet mine, and a look of contentment falls over his perfect, little face.

"Tell us what you have, Bella," Kate encourages, still perched on the foot of the bed.

"It's a boy," I tell my family. The tears in my eyes finally spill out onto my cheeks. Edward holds us close, and I feel a kiss to my head. His face is buried, but I know his tears match mine. And when asked to cut the cord, he doesn't hesitate, though his hands still shake this time.

And when the baby is finally placed in his arms, I can see the peace and contentment settle over him. It's been a tough journey to get to this moment, but we're here. We're here, and this time I'm holding onto the moments with both hands, because I know how precious this is, how amazing this miracle is, and I don't want to forget a second of it.

But the moment that will stand out in my memory, I'm sure, is when Jacob finally has _his_ baby in his arms. When he is the next to hold the baby, after Edward, the smile that lights his face is unmatched.

"So... Don't keep us in suspense, Bella, Edward. What is this little guy's name?" Esme asks.

I look to Edward, giving him a small nod before he announces his son's name.

"Riley. Riley Jackson Cullen."

* * *

 _ **September 25, 2002**_

As I walk up to the grave, the grass freshly mowed, I reflect on the last year. So much has happened. We've endured pain and sadness I thought might swallow us whole. We seemed to lose ourselves for a short time, each fighting our way out of the darkness that had settled over us. Then the miracle of new life gave us hope for the future.

I turn my head, looking at Edward as he holds our almost, six-week old son in his arms, Jacob standing well behaved at his side. I know we've struggled, but we've found our new normal.

The gray granite at my feet reminds me that no, Rachel will never be forgotten. Each time I look at Riley, I'll forever be reminded that without her coming into our lives, without surviving that storm, we wouldn't have him. So, on this unusually warm, sunny day, as an errant colorful butterfly floats by, I close my eyes and give thanks.

 _Thank_ _you,_ _Rachel, for sending us a rainbow._

* * *

 **A/N: A rainbow baby is a baby born shortly after the loss of a previous baby due to miscarriage, stillbirth, or death in infancy. This term is given to these special rainbow babies because a rainbow typically follows a storm, giving us hope of what's to come.**

 **When you weather a storm like this, you hear heartbreaking tales of people that survived their own storms; stories of loss, of not only their children, but sometimes of their marriages or relationships. You learn of this 'secret club' you didn't know existed; something people only speak of when you suffer this tragedy personally. You begin to hear stories... Some got to hear their babies cry, only to lose them after minutes, and some never got to feel the flutters of life. For some, the strain it put on their relationship was just too great, and they lost those too.**

 **I really feel that things would be easier to deal with if this wasn't deemed such a taboo subject. Yes, no one wants to hear about the loss of a child; it truly is heartbreaking. But please,** _ **please**_ **don't pretend that the pregnancy never happened. These women that have suffered such great loss** _ **are**_ **mothers, even if just mothers of the heart.**

 **I will never forget the people that were there for me, those that asked me to tell them my story, that wanted to see a photograph of my daughter. But, I also remember the ones that acted as if it never happened. Those that ignored the hole in my heart and soul and never spoke of her. She was real, she was here, if only briefly, and she was and always will be a part of my heart.**

 **I don't think I would have survived this storm if not for my family. With the love and support of the man at my side, my very own 'Edward,' along with my 'Jasper,' and my 'Angela,' (you know who you are) I was able to weather this storm in my life, and go on to welcome not only 'Riley,' but one more son, that continue to brighten our lives. While my 'Esme' is no longer with us, and my 'Alice' is no longer a part of my life, they were there for me when I needed them most.**

 **I hope that in reading this, my personal journey through this heart-rending experience, you've learned something and will maybe now be able to understand the hell someone going through this storm is weathering. Even if only to listen, just be there for them. If you've personally experienced this loss, please know that there are people out there that know your pain, and that you're not alone.**

 **Thank you to all the readers, even though I know this was a difficult story to get through. And thank you to all that have shared their stories with me. I know how hard it can be to tell others of your pain and loss, and how soul-exposing it is, so I commend you for your courage. For those that took the time to review, thank you for sharing your thoughts with me.**

 **Thanks again to Fyrebyrd for pre-reading and to SunflowerFran for editing this for me, as well as to ceceprincess1217 for making my banner. If you'd like to see any of the pictures that go with the this story, please join me over in my Facebook group, Sunshine Fics.**


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